1 00:00:05,237 --> 00:00:08,173 � [choir singing] 2 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:27,125 Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as "money." 3 00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:31,662 It comes in all sizes, colors and denominations, like people. 4 00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:34,432 We'll be using quite a bit of it in the next two hours. 5 00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:37,001 Luckily, I have enough for all of us. 6 00:00:37,069 --> 00:00:40,004 � [man singing] 7 00:01:19,478 --> 00:01:22,413 - [yelps] - � [fades] 8 00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:34,926 [bell tolling] 9 00:01:50,442 --> 00:01:53,378 [big ben chiming ten times] 10 00:02:06,525 --> 00:02:09,594 Here, here. Here, here. No sleepin' on the grass. 11 00:02:09,661 --> 00:02:12,663 No sleepin' on the grass is allowed in the park. All right. 12 00:02:12,731 --> 00:02:16,368 Get out of here. Get out of here. Get off! 13 00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:25,010 � in younger days I told myself � 14 00:02:25,077 --> 00:02:28,613 � my life would be my own 15 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:32,483 � and I'd leave the place 16 00:02:32,551 --> 00:02:36,221 � where sunshine never shone 17 00:02:37,723 --> 00:02:42,693 � for my life's too short for waiting � 18 00:02:42,761 --> 00:02:46,331 � when I see the rising sun [indistinct chatter] 19 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:49,901 � then I know again 20 00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:53,871 � that I must carry on 21 00:02:56,008 --> 00:02:59,544 � carry on till tomorrow 22 00:02:59,611 --> 00:03:01,546 What you wearin' them glasses for? 23 00:03:01,613 --> 00:03:04,615 Oh, the light. It hurts my eyes. 24 00:03:04,683 --> 00:03:07,718 You a bloody celebrity? [cackling] 25 00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:10,521 � carry on 26 00:03:10,589 --> 00:03:13,524 � carry on [shouting indistinctly] 27 00:03:14,726 --> 00:03:19,431 � beyond the shadows of the clouds � 28 00:03:19,498 --> 00:03:22,467 � and onward to the sky 29 00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:24,702 � carry on 30 00:03:24,770 --> 00:03:27,188 � till I find 31 00:03:27,256 --> 00:03:30,191 � the rainbow's end 32 00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:37,064 � for my life's too short for waiting � 33 00:03:37,132 --> 00:03:40,935 � when I see the rising sun 34 00:03:41,002 --> 00:03:44,205 � then I know again 35 00:03:44,273 --> 00:03:47,709 � that I must carry on 36 00:03:50,011 --> 00:03:52,380 � carry on 37 00:03:52,448 --> 00:03:54,682 � till tomorrow 38 00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:58,953 � there's no reason to look back � 39 00:03:59,255 --> 00:04:03,208 � carry on � carry on 40 00:04:03,275 --> 00:04:07,212 � carry on 41 00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:23,194 � drifting on the wings of freedom � 42 00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:26,564 � leave this stormy day 43 00:04:26,632 --> 00:04:31,136 � and we'll ride to tomorrow's � 44 00:04:31,203 --> 00:04:34,639 � golden fields 45 00:04:35,874 --> 00:04:41,246 � for my life's too short for waiting � 46 00:04:41,313 --> 00:04:45,083 � when I see the rising sun 47 00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:48,053 � then I know again 48 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,589 � that I must carry on 49 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:58,396 � carry on � carry on 50 00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:04,169 � carry on 51 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:08,273 Good morning. 52 00:05:08,340 --> 00:05:11,008 You feeding the ducks? Yes, I feed them every morning. 53 00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:13,545 You mind if I join you? No, no. 54 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:17,648 I come here every morning. 55 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:28,859 � and when the heavy journey's done � 56 00:05:28,927 --> 00:05:32,497 [indistinct chatter] � I'll rest my weary head 57 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:37,068 � for the world and its colors � 58 00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,737 � will be mine 59 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:46,777 � for my life's too short for waiting � 60 00:05:46,845 --> 00:05:50,815 � when I see the setting sun 61 00:05:50,882 --> 00:05:53,951 � then I know again 62 00:05:54,019 --> 00:05:57,355 � that I must carry on 63 00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:04,529 � carry on till tomorrow 64 00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:08,899 � there's no reason to look back � 65 00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:13,605 � carry on � carry on 66 00:06:13,672 --> 00:06:19,210 � carry on 67 00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:22,580 Look, please. Don't go. 68 00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:25,183 Listen, please. I say, don't go. 69 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:28,186 [chatter continues indistinctly] 70 00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:37,828 � carry on 71 00:06:37,896 --> 00:06:42,300 � carry on 72 00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:46,871 � carry on 73 00:06:46,938 --> 00:06:51,476 � carry on 74 00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:55,012 � carry on 75 00:07:54,573 --> 00:07:57,808 Well, then, Youngman Grand. 76 00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:01,412 Father. 77 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,415 [church bells tolling] 78 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,609 Good-bye. Thank you, Pontius. 79 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,312 Thanks for the new suit. It's very nice. 80 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:36,314 My pleasure, Youngman. My pleasure. 81 00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:40,618 One has to be smart when observing the effects of money on the arts... 82 00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,887 And mr. And mrs. First-Nighter. 83 00:08:42,954 --> 00:08:46,491 Good gentlemen, give him a further edge. 84 00:08:46,558 --> 00:08:50,227 And drive his purpose on to these delights. 85 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:52,229 We shall, my lord. 86 00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:57,234 Sweet gertrude, leave us too. 87 00:08:57,303 --> 00:09:00,638 For we have closely sent for hamlet hither, 88 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,640 That he, as t'were by accident, 89 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,642 May here affront ophelia. 90 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:08,313 Her father and myself, lawful espials, 91 00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:12,583 Will so bestow ourselves, that, seeing, unseen-- 92 00:09:14,219 --> 00:09:16,153 [whispers] Hello. Hello, sir. 93 00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:18,155 The third act's just started. 94 00:09:18,223 --> 00:09:21,158 Rosencrantz and guildenstern just went off somewhere. 95 00:09:24,496 --> 00:09:26,798 Hello. Guy, you are rather late. 96 00:09:26,865 --> 00:09:30,234 The third act's begun. You barely nearly missed the nicest part. 97 00:09:30,302 --> 00:09:33,771 The chopper was delayed. Anyway, this is the bit I'm really keen on. 98 00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,940 And as you say, it is the nicest part. 99 00:09:36,007 --> 00:09:38,943 � [orchestra] 100 00:09:48,954 --> 00:09:51,889 � [ends] to be... 101 00:09:51,957 --> 00:09:54,258 I've seen it. 102 00:09:55,327 --> 00:09:57,128 Or not to be? 103 00:09:57,196 --> 00:10:00,264 Shakespeare, right? Right and double right. 104 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:06,370 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind... 105 00:10:06,438 --> 00:10:11,375 To suffer the slings and arrows of... 106 00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:17,114 Outrageous fortune, 107 00:10:18,416 --> 00:10:20,985 Or to take arms... 108 00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:25,756 Against a sea of troubles, 109 00:10:25,824 --> 00:10:28,492 And by opposing... 110 00:10:30,729 --> 00:10:32,930 � [rim shot] 111 00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:35,799 End them? [cowbell clunks] 112 00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:38,970 - � [burlesque] - to die, 113 00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:41,072 To sleep. 114 00:10:45,577 --> 00:10:50,581 -No more. -Agnes, Esther, I would like you to meet my newly-adopted son, 115 00:10:50,648 --> 00:10:52,250 Youngman. 116 00:10:52,317 --> 00:10:55,753 Youngman, these are my old dear sis- ters, Agnes and Esther-- your aunts. 117 00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:58,256 How do you do? Hello, auntie. Hello. 118 00:10:58,323 --> 00:11:00,491 � [continues] to die, 119 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,794 To sleep. 120 00:11:03,862 --> 00:11:06,430 To sleep. Perchance to dream. 121 00:11:09,401 --> 00:11:11,602 Ay, there's the rub. 122 00:11:20,345 --> 00:11:22,746 For in that sleep of death... 123 00:11:23,815 --> 00:11:26,117 What dreams may come. 124 00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:29,820 When we have shuffled off... 125 00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:32,423 This mortal coil-- 126 00:11:40,532 --> 00:11:42,300 Must give us pause-- 127 00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:45,203 I'm making too much noise. On with the show. 128 00:11:45,270 --> 00:11:47,555 For who could bear the whips... 129 00:11:47,856 --> 00:11:49,307 Tsk, tsk. 130 00:11:49,374 --> 00:11:52,076 And scorns of time? 131 00:11:53,328 --> 00:11:55,495 The oppressor's wrong, 132 00:11:57,716 --> 00:12:01,219 The proud man's contumely-- 133 00:12:01,286 --> 00:12:04,589 That fellow is taking license in my view. 134 00:12:04,656 --> 00:12:07,658 ...Of the unworthy takes... 135 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:12,430 When he himself might his quietus make... 136 00:12:19,254 --> 00:12:21,472 With his fair, 137 00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,474 Bare... 138 00:12:24,576 --> 00:12:27,111 Bodkin? 139 00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:30,448 - � [ends] - [gasps] 140 00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:33,283 � [women singing operatically] 141 00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:09,636 You've gotta hand it to that Laurence Harvey. He really knows his job. 142 00:13:09,704 --> 00:13:13,941 The most essential and fundamental principle of our work... 143 00:13:14,009 --> 00:13:16,243 Is the absolute authenticity... 144 00:13:16,311 --> 00:13:20,114 Of any of its employees' qualifications and credentials. 145 00:13:20,182 --> 00:13:23,818 Each must be tops in his field. Otherwise-- 146 00:13:23,885 --> 00:13:27,688 - Well, otherwise it's mere quackery. - Just what is our work, dad? 147 00:13:27,755 --> 00:13:32,626 It's not so easy to define as one might think, lad. 148 00:13:32,694 --> 00:13:34,628 Not so easy. 149 00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:39,099 Regard the city. 150 00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:42,602 [Youngman] It's just like where I was born. 151 00:13:42,670 --> 00:13:46,273 Exactly and 9/10ths of the people on this planet. 152 00:13:46,341 --> 00:13:49,776 And you know, Youngman, some of those people will tell you... 153 00:13:49,845 --> 00:13:52,446 That in these cities are shops-- 154 00:13:52,513 --> 00:13:56,050 Curious sort of food shops that spring up from time to time... 155 00:13:56,117 --> 00:13:59,553 With signs reading, "new owner, new policy, 156 00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:01,555 Big get acquainted sale." 157 00:14:01,857 --> 00:14:05,776 And offering goods at ridiculously low giveaway prices. 158 00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:09,146 - What about ciggies? - Cigarettes were not sold, 159 00:14:09,214 --> 00:14:12,282 As they've been linked rather closely with cancer of the lung. 160 00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:14,401 The word quickly gets around... 161 00:14:14,469 --> 00:14:16,507 And the lucky few manage to load up, 162 00:14:16,508 --> 00:14:19,206 and take away as much as they can humanly carry. 163 00:14:19,274 --> 00:14:23,510 Usually much more than they can ever use or keep, you understand. 164 00:14:23,578 --> 00:14:25,512 The shop is quickly gutted-- 165 00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:27,614 Clean as your proverbial bone. 166 00:14:27,682 --> 00:14:31,151 And latecomers are met by closed doors, shuttered windows... 167 00:14:31,219 --> 00:14:35,890 And a different sign, "moved to new location." 168 00:14:35,957 --> 00:14:40,527 But no clue as to where that new location is. 169 00:14:40,595 --> 00:14:44,965 � if you want it anytime I can give it � 170 00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:48,835 � but you better hurry 'cause it's going � 171 00:14:48,904 --> 00:14:54,375 � fast 172 00:14:54,442 --> 00:14:57,477 Well then, Pontius, if that really is your name, 173 00:14:57,545 --> 00:14:59,613 Take us to your leader. 174 00:14:59,915 --> 00:15:02,667 We've just taken over some new companies, son, 175 00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:07,972 And the boardroom tycoons are waiting for us to get to work... On them. 176 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,440 [Grand] Winthrop. Sir Guy? 177 00:15:10,508 --> 00:15:13,778 When I bought this paper, 178 00:15:13,845 --> 00:15:18,549 It had one of the highest circulations of any Sunday newspaper in this country. 179 00:15:18,616 --> 00:15:20,951 It was a paper... 180 00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:23,120 With a heart, Winthrop, 181 00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:26,456 [men murmuring] Hear! Hear! And a circulation. 182 00:15:26,524 --> 00:15:29,226 Now just look at this. Read it out, Winthrop. 183 00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:33,630 But, sir guy, you said, uh-- 184 00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:36,633 Yes, I know what I said, but read it. 185 00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:40,671 "Detectives made inquiries from holi- day makers of Brighton aujourd'hui." 186 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:44,541 What is aujourd'hui, Winthrop? 187 00:15:44,609 --> 00:15:47,644 It's French for "today," sir Guy. 188 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,381 We are running an English newspaper, Winthrop. 189 00:15:51,449 --> 00:15:53,550 [men murmuring agreement] 190 00:15:53,618 --> 00:15:55,820 "In connection with the murder last mercredi... 191 00:15:55,887 --> 00:15:58,222 "of the-- [speaking German] 192 00:15:58,289 --> 00:16:01,291 "twenty-nine-year-old girl, Lynn McNab, 193 00:16:01,359 --> 00:16:04,962 "whose mutilated body was found washed up on the beach. 194 00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,765 "open brackets. Tee-hee-hee. 195 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:11,668 Close brackets." read on, Winthrop. 196 00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,404 We printed an apology, sir Guy. 197 00:16:14,472 --> 00:16:17,908 And in what language was the apology written? 198 00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:20,310 Polish. 199 00:16:20,378 --> 00:16:23,247 [men gasping] Polish? It's gotta stop, Winthrop. 200 00:16:23,314 --> 00:16:25,649 It will, sir Guy. It will. 201 00:16:25,717 --> 00:16:29,754 It will, it will, it will. Immediatement. 202 00:16:32,357 --> 00:16:34,291 Gentlemen, 203 00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:38,095 We are a nation on the move. 204 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,997 [men murmuring agreement] 205 00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:44,101 Any man jack who fails to realize that... 206 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,137 Had better don his think cap. 207 00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:51,642 Common zen savvy tells us... 208 00:16:51,709 --> 00:16:55,179 That the prestige of the British automobile... 209 00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:58,849 Is being severely threatened... 210 00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:02,186 By the encroachment of the small... 211 00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:04,188 Or mini-car image. 212 00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:09,726 We are rapidly becoming a tiny-car nation. 213 00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:14,665 - [men murmuring agreement] - so does it not follow then... 214 00:17:14,732 --> 00:17:17,634 That a nation of tiny cars... 215 00:17:17,702 --> 00:17:21,205 Could very soon become a nation of tiny persons? 216 00:17:23,775 --> 00:17:27,578 So, patently then, 217 00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:30,447 It is in the highest national interest... 218 00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:33,116 That we... Counter... 219 00:17:33,184 --> 00:17:37,320 This tiny car image... 220 00:17:37,388 --> 00:17:40,491 By introducing an automobile... 221 00:17:40,558 --> 00:17:43,994 That will hold its own size-wise... 222 00:17:44,061 --> 00:17:46,262 Against the American big boys, 223 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:50,100 Brilliant. Brilliant. Yet with no sacrifice... 224 00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:54,270 To traditional standards of taste and function. 225 00:17:54,338 --> 00:17:58,642 And so, gentlemen, may I submit to you... 226 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:01,712 With much pleasure and pride... 227 00:18:01,779 --> 00:18:06,049 The new great British Zeus. 228 00:18:06,117 --> 00:18:08,051 � [fanfare] 229 00:18:10,121 --> 00:18:14,290 It's still pretty much on the dra- wing board, as we say, gentlemen. 230 00:18:14,358 --> 00:18:17,761 But let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it. 231 00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:20,881 [narrator] The British Zeus! [thunderclap] 232 00:18:21,699 --> 00:18:23,733 [tires screeching] 233 00:18:23,801 --> 00:18:29,306 Designed for the man in the know, the man on the go. 234 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:32,659 And wherever he goes, 235 00:18:32,727 --> 00:18:36,663 He can accommodate a bevy of per- sonal friends and acquaintances. 236 00:18:36,731 --> 00:18:41,067 Let's think salesmanship and slogan. 237 00:18:41,135 --> 00:18:44,871 Winthrop? - Yes. Um, what about, "There's power to spare... 238 00:18:44,939 --> 00:18:47,308 Under this big baby's 40-foot hood"? 239 00:18:49,344 --> 00:18:51,278 What about it? 240 00:18:51,346 --> 00:18:53,180 Performance. 241 00:18:53,247 --> 00:18:55,982 Me, sir. Hampton. 242 00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:58,786 Um, "You're sure to enjoy the big... 243 00:18:58,853 --> 00:19:01,555 Gang's-all-here backseat." 244 00:19:03,675 --> 00:19:06,577 Hampton, try that again with an American accent. 245 00:19:07,645 --> 00:19:09,846 That was an American accent, sir. 246 00:19:09,914 --> 00:19:12,516 Good lord. 247 00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:15,018 What's going on over there? 248 00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:17,454 [horn honks] 249 00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:19,522 Maltravers. 250 00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:24,979 Uh, getting the feel of this big baby, 251 00:19:25,046 --> 00:19:28,582 - Mm. - Has been one... 252 00:19:28,649 --> 00:19:32,119 Grand thrill, believe you me. 253 00:19:33,404 --> 00:19:35,356 Hmm. 254 00:19:36,424 --> 00:19:38,359 [film stops] 255 00:19:39,861 --> 00:19:42,529 Hmm. 256 00:19:42,597 --> 00:19:45,399 Best sleep on it, eh? 257 00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,168 Never one to overextend. 258 00:20:00,849 --> 00:20:03,650 Gentlemen, as you know, 259 00:20:03,718 --> 00:20:05,752 [sniffles] 260 00:20:05,820 --> 00:20:08,989 The family tree over a certain... 261 00:20:09,056 --> 00:20:12,793 Grand guy-- Guy Grand-- 262 00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:15,228 Has borne no fruit. 263 00:20:15,296 --> 00:20:17,430 [men murmuring agreement] 264 00:20:17,499 --> 00:20:22,068 The stoutiest efforts by my sisters and I, 265 00:20:22,136 --> 00:20:25,038 Quite independently, of course, 266 00:20:25,106 --> 00:20:28,942 Has not yielded grand progeny. 267 00:20:30,612 --> 00:20:33,213 By good luck however, 268 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,717 One, perhaps two soiree ago, 269 00:20:39,053 --> 00:20:41,955 I chanced upon a likely lad. 270 00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:44,190 [men murmuring] 271 00:20:44,258 --> 00:20:46,627 And, gentlemen, 272 00:20:46,694 --> 00:20:51,565 May I tell you it was your proverbial love at first sight. 273 00:20:51,633 --> 00:20:53,567 Paternal, of course. 274 00:20:57,138 --> 00:20:58,906 So, gentlemen, 275 00:20:58,973 --> 00:21:01,742 It is with great pride and pleasure... 276 00:21:01,809 --> 00:21:04,411 That I introduce you now... 277 00:21:04,478 --> 00:21:07,447 To my only son and "proge," 278 00:21:07,515 --> 00:21:11,217 Master Youngman Grand, esq. 279 00:21:13,721 --> 00:21:15,656 Hello. 280 00:21:15,723 --> 00:21:17,658 � for he's a jolly grand fellow � 281 00:21:17,725 --> 00:21:20,427 � for he's a jolly grand fellow � 282 00:21:20,494 --> 00:21:24,397 � for he's a jolly grand fellow � 283 00:21:24,465 --> 00:21:26,633 � and so say all of us 284 00:21:26,701 --> 00:21:30,804 Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're damned good lads, the lot of you. 285 00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:34,608 - You too, Guy. - Yes, thank you. 286 00:21:34,676 --> 00:21:36,743 And you're thinking men as well, 287 00:21:36,811 --> 00:21:39,680 If memory serves. 288 00:21:39,747 --> 00:21:43,083 Unfortunately, that fact is not always reflected... 289 00:21:43,150 --> 00:21:45,886 In our, uh, quarterly reports. 290 00:21:47,589 --> 00:21:49,923 Anyway, gentlemen, may I take a page... 291 00:21:49,991 --> 00:21:53,627 From our own late, great Rudy the Kip Kipling? 292 00:21:55,663 --> 00:21:57,598 Let our Kipling speak. 293 00:22:00,635 --> 00:22:03,303 "There was a young lady from Exeter... 294 00:22:03,370 --> 00:22:05,572 "and all the young men... 295 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:09,142 "threw their sex at her. 296 00:22:09,210 --> 00:22:12,579 "Just to be rude, she lay in the nude... 297 00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:16,583 "while her parrot, the pervert, 298 00:22:16,651 --> 00:22:19,452 Took pecks at her." 299 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:23,223 [brakes screeching] 300 00:22:23,290 --> 00:22:27,393 Gentlemen, my man Jeff has your envelopes. 301 00:22:27,461 --> 00:22:30,931 Please do not open them until you are outside. 302 00:22:30,999 --> 00:22:35,736 Inside you will find a month's generous remuneration, 303 00:22:35,803 --> 00:22:39,472 A map containing a clue as to your present whereabouts, 304 00:22:39,540 --> 00:22:42,375 And a set of day-glo references... 305 00:22:42,443 --> 00:22:46,113 To present to your next lucky employer. 306 00:22:46,180 --> 00:22:50,851 Leave your flowers and your pencils on the table as you go, would you? 307 00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:55,288 Lord Hampton? Lord Hampton? 308 00:22:55,356 --> 00:22:58,191 [men chattering indistinctly] Lord Hampton? 309 00:22:58,743 --> 00:23:02,245 Milk or lemon, Esther? Both, please. 310 00:23:02,313 --> 00:23:05,648 Hello, dears. Ah, there you are, Guy. 311 00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:09,219 Oh, angel's passing. Guy, Guy, always on the go. 312 00:23:09,286 --> 00:23:12,655 We're just having tea, darling. You will join us? 313 00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:14,657 Now you will take tea, Youngman? 314 00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:17,794 This is bloody North America. What's yours? I don't know. 315 00:23:17,861 --> 00:23:20,797 I've been fired before, but never in Afghanistan. 316 00:23:20,864 --> 00:23:24,568 Scone, Guy? I-I-I think not, darling. 317 00:23:24,635 --> 00:23:26,836 Hello, family Grand! 318 00:23:26,904 --> 00:23:30,640 [Agnes] Just in time for tea. I say, my good man. 319 00:23:30,708 --> 00:23:33,677 All right, mate. One at a time. One at a time. 320 00:23:33,744 --> 00:23:36,346 Ginger, how are you? 321 00:23:36,414 --> 00:23:39,282 I think I rather fancy a hot dog. 322 00:23:39,350 --> 00:23:42,519 Bitsy, say hello to Guy. Say hello to everyone. 323 00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:46,823 Hello, Agnes. Hello, Esther. Say hello. 324 00:23:46,890 --> 00:23:50,026 Ginger, this is Guy's new son, Youngman Grand. - Oh. 325 00:23:50,094 --> 00:23:52,462 - Pleased to meet you. - This is my little Bitsy. 326 00:23:52,530 --> 00:23:55,398 - Hello, Bitsy. - What do you want, Guy? 327 00:23:55,466 --> 00:23:58,935 Hot frankfurter, dear. Guy, we don't have any. 328 00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:01,571 There is in fact a friendly hot dog vendor... 329 00:24:01,639 --> 00:24:04,207 Who solicits from this very platform. 330 00:24:04,275 --> 00:24:06,259 Look, lass, do you want it or don't you? 331 00:24:06,327 --> 00:24:08,628 I don't know. Go ask the station master. 332 00:24:08,696 --> 00:24:12,115 What can this be? "Silky. 333 00:24:12,182 --> 00:24:16,553 Through the use of infant head oils--" that's one of our new acquisitions. 334 00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:21,625 Silky. As it says here, it is uncondi- tionally guaranteed to make your hair... 335 00:24:21,692 --> 00:24:25,395 Softer than that of your own darling child. 336 00:24:25,463 --> 00:24:28,732 It's remarkable stuff. Why don't you try some? Yes, I will. 337 00:24:28,799 --> 00:24:30,734 Try it, Ginger. Try it. Thank you. 338 00:24:32,202 --> 00:24:34,638 Righto, mate. Now what do you want? 339 00:24:34,705 --> 00:24:38,441 I'd like a hot doggy, please, my good man. 340 00:24:38,509 --> 00:24:40,477 Oh, you'd like hot doggy, would you? 341 00:24:40,544 --> 00:24:43,813 Yeah. Right. One hot doggy you shall "havey." 342 00:24:43,881 --> 00:24:48,902 - Ah, my second world war nazi atrocity book came at last. - [Agnes] Good heavens. 343 00:24:48,969 --> 00:24:52,072 Do you know what Bitsy and I do? 344 00:24:52,140 --> 00:24:57,593 We sit down and imagine all those atro- cities being done to the sex criminals. 345 00:24:57,662 --> 00:25:00,163 Yes, sex criminals and the like. 346 00:25:00,230 --> 00:25:02,699 And that dr. Thorndike. 347 00:25:02,767 --> 00:25:06,502 What's that, ginge? Bill Thorndike, a sexy criminal? 348 00:25:06,570 --> 00:25:09,673 The man you sent me to, he behaved very strangely. 349 00:25:09,740 --> 00:25:12,575 I say, hot doggy. Do you want some onions? 350 00:25:12,643 --> 00:25:14,811 Are you calling me? Do you want some onions? 351 00:25:14,879 --> 00:25:18,214 Oh, I love onions. Absolutely love them. 352 00:25:18,282 --> 00:25:21,551 - Do you want some H.P. or mustard? - Uh, neither. Thank you. 353 00:25:21,618 --> 00:25:23,853 That'll be nine pence. Nine pence? 354 00:25:23,921 --> 00:25:27,023 Nine pence. Ah. 355 00:25:27,090 --> 00:25:29,392 Now don't you go away, vendor. 356 00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:32,595 I shall be back with nine English pence. - Hey! Hey! 357 00:25:32,663 --> 00:25:35,932 Before he said another word and while my head was still leaning back, 358 00:25:35,999 --> 00:25:38,234 He dropped a raw egg into my mouth. 359 00:25:38,302 --> 00:25:40,903 Come on. Get a move on. There we are, lad. 360 00:25:40,971 --> 00:25:45,342 What's this, a fiver? I can't change a bleedin' fiver! 361 00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:48,695 Are you quite sure this was an egg? 362 00:25:48,763 --> 00:25:52,532 Come on then. The train's on the move. I can't change this fiver. 363 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:57,571 - Come on. I ain't got all day. - I say, no tricks now. 364 00:25:57,638 --> 00:26:00,940 This train's on the move. I want my change. I can't change a fiver. 365 00:26:01,008 --> 00:26:04,644 And then do you know what he did? No. What? 366 00:26:04,712 --> 00:26:08,948 He got a huge slab of wet, greasy bacon... 367 00:26:09,016 --> 00:26:10,950 And wrapped it 'round my head. 368 00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:13,803 [screaming] 369 00:26:13,871 --> 00:26:17,640 - Here, you better have this. - What's this? A bloody tenner! 370 00:26:17,708 --> 00:26:21,194 I can't change a bloody tenner! Well, you better have this doggy back. 371 00:26:21,629 --> 00:26:24,313 I'm not having that back. You've been noshing it. 372 00:26:24,381 --> 00:26:27,851 - Hold on. Son. Case. - Dad? Case. 373 00:26:27,918 --> 00:26:30,353 - [laughing] - quickly. 374 00:26:30,421 --> 00:26:34,641 - I think we're onto something here. - [shouting indistinctly] 375 00:26:34,708 --> 00:26:36,826 [screaming] 376 00:26:40,197 --> 00:26:42,866 [crash] 377 00:26:47,471 --> 00:26:50,339 You're certainly putting everybody on today, dad. 378 00:26:50,408 --> 00:26:54,477 Well, you know, Youngman, sometimes it's not enough merely to teach. 379 00:26:54,545 --> 00:26:56,513 One has to punish as well. 380 00:26:56,580 --> 00:27:00,049 A little bit of the old pause. Cause for pause. 381 00:27:00,117 --> 00:27:03,352 Yes. I say, 382 00:27:03,421 --> 00:27:07,407 Mark that person of irritable mien. 383 00:27:07,475 --> 00:27:11,244 He's made a million out of man's inhumanity to man. 384 00:27:11,311 --> 00:27:15,281 Salt of the earth. Yes, salt of the earth. 385 00:27:15,349 --> 00:27:19,753 Perhaps together we can restore his faith in the mystery of life. 386 00:27:29,897 --> 00:27:33,733 For god's sake, close the door. There's a bloody draft. 387 00:28:26,270 --> 00:28:27,837 [screaming] 388 00:28:27,905 --> 00:28:31,308 A big hand for our special guest! 389 00:28:31,625 --> 00:28:34,177 � [rock, indistinct] 390 00:29:04,442 --> 00:29:06,826 � [ends] 391 00:29:06,994 --> 00:29:09,980 Guard! Guard. 392 00:29:10,047 --> 00:29:14,484 Yes, sir? There's something bloody weird going on in here. 393 00:29:14,551 --> 00:29:17,153 I've been driving on this line for 40 years-- 394 00:29:17,221 --> 00:29:19,522 Very interesting. Your papers, please! 395 00:29:19,590 --> 00:29:23,159 [muttering indistinctly] a few questions, please! 396 00:29:23,227 --> 00:29:25,295 Please! Please! 397 00:29:28,866 --> 00:29:32,402 [woman over P.A.] Auchengillan. Auchengillan. 398 00:29:32,469 --> 00:29:35,505 Auchengillan. Auchengillan. 399 00:29:35,572 --> 00:29:38,208 [announcement continues indistinctly] 400 00:29:42,713 --> 00:29:44,881 This is Auchengillan. 401 00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:49,386 [screaming] Come on. 402 00:29:49,453 --> 00:29:51,388 Out you come. 403 00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,726 Is that Ginger? What happened to her hair? 404 00:29:56,794 --> 00:30:01,097 She's tried the silky. It's the price of vanity. 405 00:30:01,165 --> 00:30:03,466 These are strange times we live in, son. Yes. 406 00:30:03,534 --> 00:30:06,169 Each of us does our best. Who can say more? 407 00:30:07,939 --> 00:30:09,221 But, Guy. Yes, dear. 408 00:30:09,289 --> 00:30:12,258 Youngman might want to get married. 409 00:30:12,325 --> 00:30:15,929 I was wondering if we could help. Sure- ly there must be something we could do. 410 00:30:15,996 --> 00:30:19,799 I don't see any reason why you shoul- dn't. Henry! Grand to see you, Guy. 411 00:30:19,867 --> 00:30:22,201 Agnes. Esther. Henry. 412 00:30:22,269 --> 00:30:24,203 This the boy? This is the boy. 413 00:30:24,271 --> 00:30:26,272 Youngman, prince Renskeer. 414 00:30:26,339 --> 00:30:28,507 Hello, prince. Hello, Youngman. Come for the shoot? 415 00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:31,110 Yes. Well, come on. Let's tend to the baggage. 416 00:30:31,178 --> 00:30:34,797 Right, right, right. Careful. These country roads can be dangerous. 417 00:30:34,865 --> 00:30:37,800 [siren wailing] 418 00:30:40,304 --> 00:30:42,738 [Youngman] Oh, here come the fuzz. 419 00:30:42,806 --> 00:30:46,776 What on earth do they want? Could be routine or... 420 00:30:46,844 --> 00:30:49,479 Mere damnable harassment. 421 00:30:52,015 --> 00:30:53,950 Sir Guy. 422 00:30:54,017 --> 00:30:56,519 Hello, corporal. 423 00:30:56,587 --> 00:31:00,256 I'm sorry to detain you, sir Guy, but H.Q. Said it might be important. 424 00:31:00,324 --> 00:31:02,258 Oh, well. Let's see, shall we? 425 00:31:05,929 --> 00:31:08,931 Yeah, I say. Thank you very much, corporal. Thank you very much. 426 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,933 [clears throat] 427 00:31:12,136 --> 00:31:14,770 Yes, corporal? Any answer, sir Guy? 428 00:31:14,838 --> 00:31:18,174 Uh, there we are, corporal. 429 00:31:18,242 --> 00:31:21,344 And good night. Good night, sir Guy. 430 00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:30,403 Fine clean kill. Damn fine morning for a shooting. 431 00:31:30,471 --> 00:31:33,506 Bloody fine. [Youngman] It's a good clean kill, eh, dad? 432 00:31:33,574 --> 00:31:36,776 Damned keen, Guy, isn't he? 433 00:31:36,843 --> 00:31:40,146 Bloody keen. Damn fine chap too. [man] He's bloody keen too. 434 00:31:40,213 --> 00:31:42,948 Not like that palfrey. 435 00:31:43,016 --> 00:31:46,352 I invite him to one of my shoots and he shot a runner. 436 00:31:46,420 --> 00:31:49,922 - No! - Yes. Saw it with me own eyes. 437 00:31:49,990 --> 00:31:51,991 Poor little thing was trying to escape. 438 00:31:52,058 --> 00:31:55,161 Chaps these days have no sense of bloody sportsmanship. 439 00:31:55,228 --> 00:31:58,998 - Damn them fellas! - The old values are crumblin'. 440 00:31:59,066 --> 00:32:02,869 Old value? What on earth is that gun you've got there? 441 00:32:02,936 --> 00:32:05,772 This is a 24 over and under. 442 00:32:05,839 --> 00:32:09,208 It's a sporty little item, but, uh, personally I prefer a 12-bore. 443 00:32:09,276 --> 00:32:12,378 I don't mind missing one or two pheasants, 444 00:32:12,445 --> 00:32:16,182 Provided I can occasionally get a quick kill. 445 00:32:16,249 --> 00:32:18,484 Aye, quick kill, that's the name of the game. 446 00:32:18,552 --> 00:32:21,520 Dispatch the little buggers quickly, eh? Yes. 447 00:32:41,391 --> 00:32:44,193 Look! The dogs are on point, Guy. 448 00:32:44,261 --> 00:32:46,979 Yes, so they are, Lionel. So they are. 449 00:32:47,047 --> 00:32:51,584 Still in all, I don't fancy relying entirely on dogs, do you? 450 00:32:51,652 --> 00:32:53,853 Hey, what-- 451 00:32:55,606 --> 00:32:58,524 Hit the deck! 452 00:32:58,592 --> 00:33:00,710 Now for a good clean kill. 453 00:33:03,063 --> 00:33:05,315 Blast! Missed. 454 00:33:05,649 --> 00:33:08,234 Over to you, red leader one. 455 00:33:13,591 --> 00:33:16,743 [Lionel] For god sakes, Guy, what's going on? 456 00:33:16,810 --> 00:33:20,930 In god's name, stop it! 457 00:33:20,998 --> 00:33:23,533 Yes. Good shooting, red leader one. 458 00:33:23,601 --> 00:33:25,602 A direct hit. 459 00:33:27,971 --> 00:33:30,673 [Lionel] good god! 460 00:33:30,741 --> 00:33:34,077 [Guy] Nothing like a good, clean kill, eh, Henry? 461 00:33:34,128 --> 00:33:37,163 Your bird, sir Guy. 462 00:33:37,231 --> 00:33:41,201 It is the bestest shooting I've seen in 30 years of service. 463 00:33:45,472 --> 00:33:47,956 [shouting indistinctly] 464 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,396 Oh, bloody hell! 465 00:34:03,607 --> 00:34:06,108 [church bells tolling] 466 00:34:06,176 --> 00:34:08,277 [Guy] Well, this is your new home, Youngman. 467 00:34:08,345 --> 00:34:10,313 [Agnes] Isn't it marvelous? 468 00:34:10,380 --> 00:34:13,166 [Esther] It's perfectly lovely. Good morning. 469 00:34:13,233 --> 00:34:17,103 [Youngman] Good morning. It's really fantastic. 470 00:34:17,171 --> 00:34:20,673 I can't believe it. That big clock, is that yours as well? 471 00:34:21,808 --> 00:34:23,742 Oh, I'm gonna have a good time here. 472 00:34:23,810 --> 00:34:25,979 I can kind of feel it in me bones. 473 00:34:26,046 --> 00:34:28,698 [indistinct chattering] 474 00:34:37,357 --> 00:34:39,558 The staff are assembled. Are these all ours? 475 00:34:39,626 --> 00:34:42,628 � welcome, welcome Youngman Grand � 476 00:34:42,696 --> 00:34:45,097 � to the finest family in the land � 477 00:34:45,165 --> 00:34:48,167 � a name that will forever stand � 478 00:34:48,235 --> 00:34:51,137 � Grand, Grand 479 00:34:51,205 --> 00:34:53,172 � Grand 480 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:56,909 They've been practicin'. Marvelous. Come along. 481 00:34:56,977 --> 00:35:00,679 Oh, excellent, excellent. Excellent. This is saul. 482 00:35:00,747 --> 00:35:04,383 Welcome. And his fiancee Claymont. 483 00:35:04,451 --> 00:35:06,886 And over here we have mrs. Heatherington. 484 00:35:06,954 --> 00:35:09,254 Angela. 485 00:35:09,322 --> 00:35:12,291 Martha. Mary. 486 00:35:12,359 --> 00:35:14,360 Anaizby, sir. Anaizby. 487 00:35:14,427 --> 00:35:17,830 Withers. Withers. Fran. Beverly. 488 00:35:17,898 --> 00:35:20,867 - And if memory serves-- - Norris, sir. 489 00:35:20,934 --> 00:35:23,168 Norris, the head gardener. Hello, Norris. 490 00:35:23,236 --> 00:35:27,306 Ladies and gentlemen, may I intro- duce you to my new son Youngman. 491 00:35:27,374 --> 00:35:30,493 � [harp, recorder] 492 00:36:15,890 --> 00:36:17,823 Dad? 493 00:36:17,892 --> 00:36:20,526 Hmm? Do you think words corrupt? 494 00:36:20,594 --> 00:36:23,296 I don't know. 495 00:36:23,364 --> 00:36:25,398 But let's try. 496 00:36:25,465 --> 00:36:27,400 Agnes? Yes? 497 00:36:27,467 --> 00:36:29,502 - Nipple. - Shh. 498 00:36:29,569 --> 00:36:33,139 Well, there's no immediate physical change. 499 00:36:33,207 --> 00:36:35,741 I don't really think words corrupt. No? 500 00:36:35,809 --> 00:36:39,245 But they keep prosecuting these people for selling pornographic books. 501 00:36:39,313 --> 00:36:41,480 Hmm. Why don't we write... 502 00:36:41,548 --> 00:36:43,983 A dirty, filthy pornographic book... [glasses beeping] 503 00:36:44,051 --> 00:36:48,821 And then print it leaving blanks where the dirty words were? Yes. 504 00:36:48,889 --> 00:36:51,757 And then people could write what they wanted themselves. 505 00:36:51,825 --> 00:36:56,462 It'd be much more exciting. Yes, and much more creative. 506 00:36:56,530 --> 00:36:58,864 [Youngman] How about this? 507 00:36:58,932 --> 00:37:02,835 Pounding with desire, lord Peter ripped open her-- 508 00:37:02,903 --> 00:37:06,739 [toots] revealing her-- 509 00:37:06,807 --> 00:37:10,510 And leaned forward and-- her. 510 00:37:10,577 --> 00:37:13,145 Brilliant, Youngman, but why leave it at pornography? 511 00:37:13,213 --> 00:37:15,147 What about the bible? The bible? 512 00:37:15,215 --> 00:37:19,319 Yes, the bible. Ladies and gentle- men, presenting the good book. 513 00:37:19,386 --> 00:37:22,254 � can you make it better 514 00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,657 Groove with your space commander, dad. 515 00:37:25,793 --> 00:37:27,727 [tv beeps] 516 00:37:27,795 --> 00:37:32,765 This is Michael Barrett reporting from the famous cruft's dog show... 517 00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:36,051 And here's mr. Umbongo just after the incident. 518 00:37:46,730 --> 00:37:49,865 A new breed of dog-- if in fact it was a dog-- 519 00:37:49,933 --> 00:37:54,804 Made a spectacularly unfortunate debut at the show when it opened here today. 520 00:37:54,871 --> 00:37:59,541 The enduring question was the so-called Congo black dog known as, 521 00:37:59,610 --> 00:38:02,578 Or registered anyway, as "Big Fang." 522 00:38:02,646 --> 00:38:05,848 And it's a curious catlike creature. 523 00:38:05,916 --> 00:38:10,452 Today covered in a poodle-type coat which almost obscured its face. 524 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:16,425 When its owner, mr. Umbongo from Masawa in West Africa took it into the arena, 525 00:38:16,493 --> 00:38:19,128 The beast went absolutely berserk. 526 00:38:19,195 --> 00:38:21,497 It ferociously attacked the other entries. 527 00:38:21,564 --> 00:38:25,467 There was devastation. There was havoc, near panic in the galleries. 528 00:38:25,636 --> 00:38:28,921 And it's reported that the dog was actually eating... 529 00:38:28,989 --> 00:38:32,091 An unspecified number of its fellow entries. 530 00:38:32,159 --> 00:38:35,294 This is Michael Barrett returning you to the studio. 531 00:38:35,362 --> 00:38:37,796 Oh, so dreadful, Guy! Switch it over. 532 00:38:39,666 --> 00:38:42,068 That's better. 533 00:38:43,670 --> 00:38:47,973 I can't imagine how a thing like that could happen at Cruft's. 534 00:38:54,564 --> 00:38:58,067 A direct hit on st. Pete's, dad. Good, good. 535 00:38:58,135 --> 00:39:00,636 Good, Youngman, good. Cook can't do anything with the grouse, Guy. 536 00:39:00,704 --> 00:39:02,938 She says they're burnt to a cinder. 537 00:39:03,006 --> 00:39:05,491 Incompetence in the kitchen, eh, sister? 538 00:39:05,559 --> 00:39:08,227 Guy? Guy? 539 00:39:08,295 --> 00:39:11,064 Cook said they were like that when she opened the game bag. Carry on, Youngman. 540 00:39:11,131 --> 00:39:13,066 All ashes and bones. 541 00:39:13,133 --> 00:39:16,035 Ashes and bones in the game bag? Ho-ho. I don't like the sound of that. 542 00:39:16,103 --> 00:39:19,488 - Eh, Youngman? - Me neither, dad. 543 00:39:19,556 --> 00:39:23,125 There. - Guy, we simply must eat because I'm starving. 544 00:39:23,193 --> 00:39:25,127 Now come along. What? What? 545 00:39:25,195 --> 00:39:28,731 - I'm starving. - The whole world's starving. 546 00:39:30,967 --> 00:39:35,103 Well, look here, sister. Let me say if-- if cook... 547 00:39:35,171 --> 00:39:37,606 Has in fact spoiled our table bird, 548 00:39:37,674 --> 00:39:39,975 Why don't we all go down to chez eduard. 549 00:39:40,043 --> 00:39:43,412 Where, if memory serves, 550 00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:47,583 An honest working man can still get a good Lancashire hot pot. 551 00:39:47,651 --> 00:39:51,420 Chez Eduard's such fun. That's a splendid idea. 552 00:39:51,488 --> 00:39:53,656 Can't we settle our differences amicably? 553 00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:58,828 No, son. No. Not while there's a cathedral standing. 554 00:40:11,341 --> 00:40:13,375 Yoo-hoo. 555 00:40:13,443 --> 00:40:16,779 Good evening, sir Guy. 556 00:40:16,847 --> 00:40:19,348 Good evening, sir Guy. Everything is arranged for you. 557 00:40:19,415 --> 00:40:21,884 Good, good. Sir Guy, you do me a great honor. 558 00:40:21,952 --> 00:40:23,886 Eduard. Nonsense, nonsense. 559 00:40:23,954 --> 00:40:27,757 I've been imposing myself for one of your gastronomic experiences for some time. 560 00:40:27,824 --> 00:40:30,292 - Waiter. - Everything is prepared as you ordered. 561 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,862 Good, good. Then I suggest we waste no more time. 562 00:40:32,929 --> 00:40:35,364 Guy, aren't you dining with us? 563 00:40:35,431 --> 00:40:38,533 No, dear Agnes, no. When the gourmet mood is on me, 564 00:40:38,601 --> 00:40:40,903 My needs must dine alone. 565 00:40:40,971 --> 00:40:44,774 You remember Charles, sir Guy? Charles, Charles. 566 00:40:44,841 --> 00:40:48,477 [speaks French] The Aden offensive, was it not? 567 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,015 Give us one of the old ones, Charles. I love the old ones. 568 00:40:53,083 --> 00:40:56,385 May I suggest the pour commencer, c'est ce pas caviar? 569 00:40:56,452 --> 00:40:58,754 The caviar, yes. Beluga, of course. 570 00:40:58,822 --> 00:41:01,157 Certainmente. Beluga. 571 00:41:01,224 --> 00:41:04,693 [speaking Fench] 572 00:41:06,163 --> 00:41:08,998 It's very interesting, Eduard. 573 00:41:09,065 --> 00:41:11,767 But tonight I fancy... 574 00:41:11,835 --> 00:41:16,272 Putting your canard a l'orange to the test. [grunts] 575 00:41:16,339 --> 00:41:19,041 You have heard. It is the canard a l'orange. 576 00:41:19,109 --> 00:41:22,644 [French] 577 00:41:26,683 --> 00:41:29,185 Uh, sommelier, yes. 578 00:41:29,252 --> 00:41:31,854 Yes, that'll do very nicely. 579 00:41:31,922 --> 00:41:35,724 Sir Guy Grand. Last of the great gourmets. 580 00:41:39,462 --> 00:41:43,032 Do you approve of the wine, sir Guy? 581 00:41:43,099 --> 00:41:47,203 The cork is '47. Is the wine aussi, sir Guy? 582 00:41:47,270 --> 00:41:49,205 A rare combination. 583 00:41:51,774 --> 00:41:54,443 [gargling] 584 00:41:57,580 --> 00:42:02,451 This plucky little Burgundy has got my juices a flowing. - Merci, sir Guy. 585 00:42:02,518 --> 00:42:05,054 [both speaking French] 586 00:42:06,957 --> 00:42:09,325 Extraordinaire. 587 00:42:09,392 --> 00:42:12,427 [French] 588 00:42:14,530 --> 00:42:17,666 With ministry of transport, sixty pence. 589 00:42:17,734 --> 00:42:21,270 Oh, another first for England. 590 00:42:24,407 --> 00:42:26,641 [shouts] That's better. 591 00:42:26,709 --> 00:42:28,978 [French] 592 00:42:29,045 --> 00:42:32,681 God almighty, what's going on here? Waiter! [customers shouting] 593 00:42:35,818 --> 00:42:37,753 You know, Eduard, 594 00:42:39,289 --> 00:42:41,223 The odd thing about caviar... 595 00:42:41,291 --> 00:42:43,792 Is that one never gets enough toast. 596 00:42:43,860 --> 00:42:47,196 Toast, sir Guy? No, thank you. I never touch it. 597 00:42:48,765 --> 00:42:50,699 [French] 598 00:42:50,767 --> 00:42:53,502 Mm-hmm. The chopped egg. 599 00:43:03,513 --> 00:43:06,615 Where a fish is a sturgeon, 600 00:43:06,682 --> 00:43:10,219 This can only come from a virgin. 601 00:43:24,667 --> 00:43:26,601 Mmm! 602 00:43:28,504 --> 00:43:31,440 [French] 603 00:43:35,045 --> 00:43:37,146 Yes, it is '47. 604 00:43:42,518 --> 00:43:44,086 Excellent. 605 00:43:44,154 --> 00:43:47,189 Yes, thank you. This is the canard. 606 00:43:49,592 --> 00:43:51,526 Yes, I love it. 607 00:43:57,634 --> 00:44:00,769 Yes, I must speak with the chef. 608 00:44:00,837 --> 00:44:04,172 I must speak with the chef. [French] 609 00:44:04,240 --> 00:44:07,876 Mon compliments a chef! Mon compliments a chef! 610 00:44:12,048 --> 00:44:15,183 That's the last we shall see of him tonight. 611 00:44:15,251 --> 00:44:17,686 � [French] 612 00:44:19,388 --> 00:44:23,425 [man over P.A.] Gentlemen, a big hand for a good loser. 613 00:44:23,493 --> 00:44:26,095 [crowd jeering] 614 00:44:28,765 --> 00:44:31,600 But, Guy, I thought you said it was to be a soiree musicale. 615 00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:36,238 Hold it, tiger. 616 00:44:36,305 --> 00:44:38,841 Big smile. 617 00:44:39,142 --> 00:44:42,961 It's the championship, aunt Agnes. Ike Jones and Joe Thompson. 618 00:44:43,430 --> 00:44:45,981 � [trumpets] 619 00:44:57,244 --> 00:45:01,713 Challenger Joe Thompson has just clim- bed into the ring looking very fit. 620 00:45:01,782 --> 00:45:05,634 Very fit indeed. And getting a warm round of applause... 621 00:45:05,702 --> 00:45:07,736 From this fine sporting crowd here tonight. 622 00:45:07,804 --> 00:45:10,123 All of them asking themselves the same question: 623 00:45:10,124 --> 00:45:11,874 Can the challenger deliver his punch? 624 00:45:12,175 --> 00:45:14,660 You know he's got it, but can he deliver it? 625 00:45:14,728 --> 00:45:17,296 Will he stay conscious long enough to deliver it? 626 00:45:17,363 --> 00:45:19,465 Good evening, milady. Hello. 627 00:45:19,533 --> 00:45:22,301 [muttering] 628 00:45:22,368 --> 00:45:27,072 Ah, jeff, last of the old bulldog breed, eh? 629 00:45:27,140 --> 00:45:31,310 And here he comes now, the heavyweight champion of the world, Ike Jones. 630 00:45:31,377 --> 00:45:33,495 [crowd cheering] 631 00:45:35,798 --> 00:45:39,785 Just listen to the reception he's getting. Just listen to this crowd. 632 00:45:46,292 --> 00:45:50,863 Let's have a look at the record of these two rugged customers. 633 00:45:50,931 --> 00:45:55,768 I have reason to believe this may be an exceptional bout. Yes. 634 00:45:55,836 --> 00:45:59,271 Jones may be strong, granted. But in my opinion, 635 00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:02,541 Joe Thompson could easily be that much too nimble for him. 636 00:46:02,609 --> 00:46:04,543 Eh, jeff? Certainly, sir. 637 00:46:04,611 --> 00:46:07,246 Well, both these men mount the ring... 638 00:46:07,314 --> 00:46:09,965 With very impressive records behind them. 639 00:46:10,033 --> 00:46:15,070 The champion has been unbeaten in a total of 78 bouts. 640 00:46:15,138 --> 00:46:17,105 He's never been knocked out. 641 00:46:17,173 --> 00:46:20,075 In fact, he's never even been knocked off his feet. 642 00:46:20,142 --> 00:46:23,345 But he has had to take plenty of punishment from time to time. 643 00:46:23,412 --> 00:46:26,915 Ike Jones is certainly not hi- ding behind the door, as they say, 644 00:46:26,983 --> 00:46:30,318 When fighting heart and guts was being handed out. 645 00:46:31,921 --> 00:46:36,825 My lords, ladies and gentlemen, 646 00:46:36,893 --> 00:46:38,861 This is the main event... 647 00:46:38,928 --> 00:46:41,029 Of the evening. 648 00:46:41,097 --> 00:46:43,465 Fifteen rounds of boxing... 649 00:46:43,533 --> 00:46:46,485 For the heavyweight championship... 650 00:46:46,552 --> 00:46:48,487 Of the world... 651 00:46:48,554 --> 00:46:51,757 Between and presenting to you... 652 00:46:51,825 --> 00:46:55,494 In this corner from Battersea, London, 653 00:46:55,561 --> 00:46:59,999 The British and British Empire champion, 654 00:47:00,066 --> 00:47:02,200 John Thompson. 655 00:47:02,268 --> 00:47:04,870 [crowd cheering] 656 00:47:10,209 --> 00:47:14,980 And with pleasure, for the first time in Great Britain, 657 00:47:15,048 --> 00:47:18,751 From Detroit, United States of America, 658 00:47:18,818 --> 00:47:22,487 The heavyweight champion of the world, 659 00:47:22,555 --> 00:47:25,124 Ike Jones! 660 00:47:25,191 --> 00:47:27,325 [crowd cheering] 661 00:47:27,393 --> 00:47:29,006 Fighters move to the center of the ring. 662 00:47:29,007 --> 00:47:31,130 They are getting final instructions from the referee. 663 00:47:31,197 --> 00:47:33,799 Both fighters looking confident and relaxed. 664 00:47:33,867 --> 00:47:37,953 And the crowd here at this arena settles back for what promises to be... 665 00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:40,321 A very hard and lively scrap... 666 00:47:40,389 --> 00:47:43,258 Between these two giants. 667 00:47:43,325 --> 00:47:46,745 Now they've returned to their corners and we wait for the bell. 668 00:47:48,548 --> 00:47:50,498 Hit him straight in the eye. 669 00:47:53,770 --> 00:47:56,805 - [muttering] - [muttering] 670 00:48:04,614 --> 00:48:08,033 - [bell dings] - [crowd cheering] 671 00:48:08,101 --> 00:48:11,937 Our first round of this brutal match for the heavyweight crown. 672 00:48:12,005 --> 00:48:15,774 Both boys circling each other now carefully. Each measuring his man. 673 00:48:15,842 --> 00:48:19,812 Showing due respect for the lethal power in the gloves of the opponent. 674 00:48:19,879 --> 00:48:21,847 [cheering ceases] You're too much. 675 00:48:23,817 --> 00:48:26,085 Come on then. 676 00:48:27,286 --> 00:48:30,171 [crowd gasps] 677 00:48:32,726 --> 00:48:35,994 [referee] One, two, 678 00:48:36,062 --> 00:48:39,865 Guy, those men are absurd. I thought they were just good friends. 679 00:48:39,933 --> 00:48:41,934 [crowd jeering] 680 00:48:42,001 --> 00:48:45,453 [announcer] The crowd seem to be sickened... 681 00:48:45,521 --> 00:48:48,724 By the sight of no blood. 682 00:48:51,210 --> 00:48:54,880 [Guy] There they are, son. The dark blues. 683 00:48:54,947 --> 00:49:00,002 The Oxford crew. Stout hearts, the lot. Where are they going, dad? 684 00:49:00,069 --> 00:49:02,671 [Guy] Nowhere in particular. Back and forth. 685 00:49:02,739 --> 00:49:05,340 Back and forth. Working out. 686 00:49:05,675 --> 00:49:07,926 Honing the edge, if one may dare to coin. 687 00:49:07,994 --> 00:49:12,114 They're practicing for the big race with the Cambridge eight. 688 00:49:12,181 --> 00:49:15,583 That'll be our man, son. We'll be wanting a word with him. 689 00:49:15,651 --> 00:49:18,753 � if you want it here it is come and get it � 690 00:49:20,423 --> 00:49:24,192 � make your mind up fast 691 00:49:24,260 --> 00:49:28,763 � if you want it anytime I can give it � 692 00:49:28,831 --> 00:49:33,051 � but you better hurry 'cause it may not last � 693 00:49:33,119 --> 00:49:35,053 [chattering indistinctly] 694 00:49:35,121 --> 00:49:40,125 � did I hear you say that there must be a catch � 695 00:49:40,192 --> 00:49:44,129 � will you walk away from a fool and his money � 696 00:49:44,196 --> 00:49:46,131 Step inside. 697 00:49:55,825 --> 00:49:59,194 Well, that much is done. Done and double done. 698 00:49:59,261 --> 00:50:01,663 Bit surprised he went for it, actually. 699 00:50:01,731 --> 00:50:05,233 I mean, the race being such a traditional thing and all that. 700 00:50:05,301 --> 00:50:08,070 Well, son, as you proceed along the great road of life, 701 00:50:08,137 --> 00:50:12,407 Sometimes referred to as the "yellow brick road," you'll find that the-- 702 00:50:12,474 --> 00:50:14,409 Aha. 703 00:50:14,476 --> 00:50:16,745 [blowing nose] 704 00:50:19,615 --> 00:50:23,051 I say, what's all this about? 705 00:50:23,119 --> 00:50:26,254 What do you make of this, son? What do you think this is? 706 00:50:26,322 --> 00:50:29,091 Looks like an advert? "what's it all about?" 707 00:50:29,158 --> 00:50:33,428 Yes. This car is parked in a loading zone. 708 00:50:34,981 --> 00:50:37,916 And it's lucky for you it wasn't towed away for that matter. 709 00:50:37,984 --> 00:50:40,118 What is this thing? What is it? 710 00:50:40,186 --> 00:50:43,254 Now that-- that happens to be a parking ticket... 711 00:50:43,322 --> 00:50:45,657 That I've issued to you for the violation. 712 00:50:45,725 --> 00:50:48,326 But my son thought it was an advert, didn't you? 713 00:50:48,394 --> 00:50:50,328 What? I thought it was an advert. 714 00:50:50,396 --> 00:50:53,064 Yes, I can't see the point of it myself. 715 00:50:53,132 --> 00:50:57,035 I really can't see the point at all. 716 00:50:57,103 --> 00:50:59,471 The point is that you are in violation. 717 00:50:59,539 --> 00:51:01,673 You violated the traffic rule... 718 00:51:01,741 --> 00:51:04,576 [horn honks] [cab driver] Get out of it! 719 00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:06,578 By parking your car in a loading zone. 720 00:51:06,646 --> 00:51:09,080 That's what it's all about. What do you mean loading zone? 721 00:51:09,148 --> 00:51:11,984 There's no loading going on around here. 722 00:51:12,051 --> 00:51:15,521 What do you think these sods are doing with them pressurized ferkins then? 723 00:51:15,588 --> 00:51:17,523 Tell me that then. 724 00:51:17,590 --> 00:51:20,325 Pressurized ferkins. Ferkins. 725 00:51:20,393 --> 00:51:23,562 You know, not many years ago, 726 00:51:23,630 --> 00:51:25,864 I can recall the day... 727 00:51:25,932 --> 00:51:30,002 When you could buy a decent pressu- rized ferkin for a couple of pounds. 728 00:51:30,069 --> 00:51:31,937 [officer] Let go, sir. 729 00:51:32,005 --> 00:51:36,045 The whole thing is these sods aren't loading pressurized ferkins. 730 00:51:36,046 --> 00:51:37,208 They're unloading. 731 00:51:37,276 --> 00:51:39,978 Constable, there's the rub. There's no difference. 732 00:51:40,046 --> 00:51:42,514 There's no difference at all. And don't call me constable. 733 00:51:42,582 --> 00:51:45,651 It's warden. Not sergeant, warden. 734 00:51:45,718 --> 00:51:48,720 Well, then, are you trying to tell me, sergeant Warden, 735 00:51:48,788 --> 00:51:52,274 Is there's no difference between loading and unloading? 736 00:51:52,341 --> 00:51:55,794 What's he doin'? He looks like a bleedin' nutcase to me. 737 00:51:55,861 --> 00:51:57,963 Why don't you get your bleedin' hair cut? 738 00:51:58,031 --> 00:52:00,899 "Number seven: The silent scream. 739 00:52:00,967 --> 00:52:03,969 "Open your mouth and eyes as wide as you can... 740 00:52:04,037 --> 00:52:07,973 "stretching the muscles against the skin and bones that hold the face together. 741 00:52:08,041 --> 00:52:11,710 Try to tear your face apart." 742 00:52:11,778 --> 00:52:13,879 What's your game then? 743 00:52:13,947 --> 00:52:16,682 Uh, grand is the name. 744 00:52:16,749 --> 00:52:20,719 And, uh, money is the game. Would you care to play? 745 00:52:20,787 --> 00:52:23,655 "Make it as tiny as you can. 746 00:52:23,723 --> 00:52:26,291 Try and make your face disappear." 747 00:52:26,358 --> 00:52:31,129 What's that you said then? Can you see this facsimile of her majesty? 748 00:52:31,197 --> 00:52:34,900 God bless her. Just a minute. What was that you said before? 749 00:52:34,968 --> 00:52:36,935 Oh, my suggestion is... 750 00:52:37,003 --> 00:52:40,672 That if you're prepared to eat that parking ticket, 751 00:52:40,740 --> 00:52:45,276 I will give you �500 sterling for eating it. 752 00:52:45,344 --> 00:52:49,915 What do you mean by that? What do you mean, me eat that-that? 753 00:52:50,116 --> 00:52:54,152 It's quite simple. Just put the tic- ket, my good fellow, into your mouth, 754 00:52:54,220 --> 00:52:58,590 Chew it up and you swallow it, and I give you this �500. 755 00:52:58,657 --> 00:53:02,494 - Just a bloody minute. - "Number 12: 756 00:53:02,561 --> 00:53:05,764 "When sitting in a car place your hands on the outside... 757 00:53:05,832 --> 00:53:08,667 "of the steering wheel and push it with all your strength. 758 00:53:08,735 --> 00:53:13,204 Combine with the exercise silent scream and tiny face." 759 00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,190 [Guy] Silent scream. Tiny face. 760 00:53:16,259 --> 00:53:18,192 Yes, now listen. Here-- 761 00:53:18,261 --> 00:53:20,194 Are you-- are you telling me... 762 00:53:20,263 --> 00:53:22,530 That you're-- you're willing to give me 500 quid... 763 00:53:22,598 --> 00:53:25,600 Yes, to eat that ticket. To-- to eat that ticket? 764 00:53:25,668 --> 00:53:28,370 It's what you might call a limited offer. - A limited offer. 765 00:53:28,437 --> 00:53:32,940 Expiring in, shall we say, I don't know, ten seconds? 766 00:53:33,008 --> 00:53:34,942 Uh, give me that! 767 00:53:35,010 --> 00:53:37,479 Shall we say ten? Yes. 768 00:53:37,546 --> 00:53:40,348 Start the countdown. You can go as quick as you like. 769 00:53:40,416 --> 00:53:42,484 - Nine-- - eight-- 770 00:53:43,903 --> 00:53:46,071 [together] seven, six, 771 00:53:47,540 --> 00:53:49,391 Five, 772 00:53:49,458 --> 00:53:51,293 Four, 773 00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:53,528 Three-- 774 00:53:53,596 --> 00:53:57,131 - You needn't eat the plastic. - It's all right. It's all right. 775 00:53:58,434 --> 00:54:00,468 I just wanted to see if you had your price. 776 00:54:00,536 --> 00:54:03,672 Most of us do. 777 00:54:03,739 --> 00:54:07,575 Good luck, sir. I'm here-- I'm here every Thursday. 778 00:54:18,220 --> 00:54:20,154 [groans] 779 00:54:21,890 --> 00:54:24,559 Let that be a lesson to you! 780 00:54:24,627 --> 00:54:27,296 � [radio, indistinct] 781 00:54:29,699 --> 00:54:31,767 What's the nature of it, son? 782 00:54:31,834 --> 00:54:33,769 Something you can share with your dad? 783 00:54:33,836 --> 00:54:38,006 "For the gracious few, a new concept in ocean cruising. 784 00:54:38,073 --> 00:54:40,008 "The Magic Christian. 785 00:54:40,075 --> 00:54:43,011 "Fully air-conditioned and controlled-environment ship... 786 00:54:43,078 --> 00:54:47,582 "will depart tower bridge easter Sun- day on its maiden voyage to New York. 787 00:54:47,650 --> 00:54:52,086 Applications for passengers are now being considered." 788 00:55:01,331 --> 00:55:04,215 "Those denied passage on the Christian... 789 00:55:04,283 --> 00:55:06,517 "need not take offense. 790 00:55:06,586 --> 00:55:10,855 Remember, our criteria may not be yours." 791 00:55:10,923 --> 00:55:12,824 [Youngman] I hope it keeps fine for them. 792 00:55:12,892 --> 00:55:17,128 What do you think they mean by "Our criteria may not be yours"? 793 00:55:17,196 --> 00:55:21,399 It's to avoid offending people who may not be quite top drawer. 794 00:55:21,467 --> 00:55:24,368 Oh, I see. How thoughtful. 795 00:55:24,436 --> 00:55:27,338 Well, I know Deborah and Simon applied this morning. 796 00:55:27,406 --> 00:55:29,674 I hope they won't be too disappointed if, uh-- 797 00:55:29,742 --> 00:55:33,011 Well, not exactly who's who, are they? 798 00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:36,982 Excuse me. Do you mean Deborah and Simon Devanger? 799 00:55:37,049 --> 00:55:39,618 Yes. Ah, yes, terribly sweet. 800 00:55:39,685 --> 00:55:42,153 Frightfully nice people, but hardly Burke's. 801 00:55:42,221 --> 00:55:44,155 Hardly. 802 00:55:44,223 --> 00:55:48,359 I do think, that in my opinion the maiden voyage of The Magic Christian... 803 00:55:48,427 --> 00:55:53,031 Could easily become the social must of the season. [all murmuring agreement] 804 00:55:53,099 --> 00:55:56,001 [man over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen, the auction is about to start. 805 00:55:56,068 --> 00:55:58,003 Shall we go in? 806 00:55:59,705 --> 00:56:02,473 I've got a little work to do. I'll see you later. 807 00:56:02,541 --> 00:56:04,475 I'll see you inside. All right. 808 00:56:04,543 --> 00:56:06,611 � if you want it 809 00:56:06,679 --> 00:56:09,714 � here it is come and get it � 810 00:56:09,782 --> 00:56:14,686 � but you better hurry 'cause it's going fast � 811 00:56:14,754 --> 00:56:17,889 � you better hurry 'cause it's going � 812 00:56:17,957 --> 00:56:22,460 � fast 813 00:56:26,098 --> 00:56:29,267 � a fool and his money 814 00:56:29,702 --> 00:56:33,070 � sonny, if you want it 815 00:56:33,138 --> 00:56:36,308 � here it is come and get it � 816 00:56:36,375 --> 00:56:41,313 � but you better hurry 'cause it's going fast � 817 00:56:41,380 --> 00:56:46,318 � you better hurry 'cause it's going fast � 818 00:56:46,385 --> 00:56:49,020 � you better hurry 'cause it's going � 819 00:56:49,087 --> 00:56:55,660 � fast 820 00:56:56,862 --> 00:56:58,996 Excuse me. 821 00:56:59,064 --> 00:57:02,634 This is, uh, rembrandt, is it not? 822 00:57:04,102 --> 00:57:06,971 Well, it may be. It's not been authenticated. 823 00:57:07,039 --> 00:57:09,040 It's certainly school of rembrandt. 824 00:57:09,107 --> 00:57:11,042 Hmm. 825 00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:17,915 It's most frightfully dark. 826 00:57:17,983 --> 00:57:20,652 One can hardly make it out at all. 827 00:57:23,589 --> 00:57:28,043 Well, he was a master of light and shade, wasn't he? 828 00:57:28,110 --> 00:57:30,946 And it is a little old. 829 00:57:31,013 --> 00:57:34,883 Uh, excuse me, mister, uh-- 830 00:57:34,951 --> 00:57:37,485 Dougdale. Dougdale. 831 00:57:37,553 --> 00:57:41,522 Might I ask... The price of this example of light and shade? 832 00:57:41,591 --> 00:57:44,059 It's being sold by auction, 833 00:57:44,126 --> 00:57:47,729 But we expect to get about, uh, �10,000. 834 00:57:49,865 --> 00:57:53,034 I'd be prepared to give you... 835 00:57:53,102 --> 00:57:55,036 Fifteen. 836 00:57:58,273 --> 00:58:00,208 Uh, excuse me. 837 00:58:01,276 --> 00:58:03,211 Uh, �15,000? 838 00:58:03,278 --> 00:58:05,213 Yes. 839 00:58:05,280 --> 00:58:08,817 See, well, I must assure you I've been given instructions not to accept any-- 840 00:58:08,884 --> 00:58:12,553 In that case, my final offer would be 30. 841 00:58:16,726 --> 00:58:20,495 Th-thirty thousand pounds? Yes. 842 00:58:20,562 --> 00:58:22,497 Shit. 843 00:58:22,564 --> 00:58:24,666 I do-- I really do beg your pardon. 844 00:58:26,034 --> 00:58:28,403 Sir, it's a deal. 845 00:58:30,038 --> 00:58:32,006 Yes, good, good. 846 00:58:32,074 --> 00:58:35,710 I, uh-- I like school of Rembrandt. Saint Rembrandt's high. 847 00:58:35,778 --> 00:58:37,912 Yes, I enjoy all the French painters. 848 00:58:37,980 --> 00:58:41,115 Uh, well, Rembrandt was, uh, in a sense, Dutch. 849 00:58:41,183 --> 00:58:45,119 - Although, he was much influenced by the, uh-- - Dutch? 850 00:58:45,187 --> 00:58:47,322 The Dutch. Rembrandt. 851 00:58:47,390 --> 00:58:51,793 I don't like the, uh, Dutch painters. 852 00:58:54,664 --> 00:58:56,998 The only thing the Dutch could paint-- 853 00:58:57,065 --> 00:58:59,701 - [screams] - Please. 854 00:58:59,769 --> 00:59:02,437 [Guy] Yes, please, restrain yourself. 855 00:59:03,906 --> 00:59:07,342 This is my painting. I shall be paying you... 856 00:59:07,410 --> 00:59:11,846 �30,000 for this unauthenticated... 857 00:59:11,914 --> 00:59:14,616 Copy of a French Rembrandt. 858 00:59:19,254 --> 00:59:22,490 There. That's a splendid nose. 859 00:59:22,558 --> 00:59:24,826 [Youngman] Seventeenth century? Easily. 860 00:59:24,893 --> 00:59:28,162 Excellent nose. Keep that. You can burn the rest. 861 00:59:28,230 --> 00:59:31,666 - Uh-- - Yes, unless of course you have any other... 862 00:59:31,734 --> 00:59:34,736 - French noses by Van Dyck or-- - No. 863 00:59:34,804 --> 00:59:37,439 Come, Youngman. Let's go and watch the auction. 864 00:59:37,506 --> 00:59:40,208 And keep your eye open for a good ear. 865 00:59:44,112 --> 00:59:47,048 Mr. Gerard. 866 00:59:47,115 --> 00:59:51,853 Number 1-3-3 in your catalog, ladies and gentlemen. 867 00:59:51,920 --> 00:59:56,090 "Dignity and impudence," by sir Edward Landseer. 868 00:59:56,158 --> 00:59:59,927 This is a Victorian genre picture. 869 00:59:59,995 --> 01:00:03,064 These pictures, not always appreciated, 870 01:00:03,131 --> 01:00:07,369 Have now become to find a certain favor among the cognoscenti. 871 01:00:07,436 --> 01:00:12,674 No one back in Baton Rouge owns a Landseer. No, honey. 872 01:00:12,742 --> 01:00:18,112 - And the colors are just right for our conversation pens. - This is a big one. 873 01:00:18,180 --> 01:00:21,215 Shall we start it at �1,000? 874 01:00:21,283 --> 01:00:24,919 See, mark the manner of the others, Youngman. 875 01:00:24,987 --> 01:00:28,556 Don't tip your hand. That is the fool's game. 876 01:00:28,624 --> 01:00:32,026 Mm. Right. �3,000. 877 01:00:32,094 --> 01:00:34,896 3,500 from an outer gallery. 878 01:00:34,963 --> 01:00:37,899 - [knuckle cracks] - 4,000. 879 01:00:38,934 --> 01:00:41,936 4,500. � [blows scale] 880 01:00:42,004 --> 01:00:45,740 - [murmuring] - 5,000. 881 01:00:45,808 --> 01:00:51,413 Ladies and gentlemen, it is not the usual practice of sotheby's... 882 01:00:51,480 --> 01:00:53,481 To encourage bidding. 883 01:00:53,549 --> 01:00:56,117 But �5,000 for this fine landseer, 884 01:00:56,184 --> 01:01:00,455 Executed at the height of the artist's maturity, is really something-- 885 01:01:00,523 --> 01:01:03,441 - [man gasps] Lord! - 6,000. 886 01:01:03,509 --> 01:01:05,843 [whirring] 887 01:01:07,413 --> 01:01:10,781 - 6,500... - He's lost control. 888 01:01:10,849 --> 01:01:13,935 From an outer gallery. 889 01:01:14,003 --> 01:01:16,504 7,000. 890 01:01:16,571 --> 01:01:18,773 - 7,500. - [bleats] 891 01:01:18,841 --> 01:01:21,375 - 8,000. 8,000-- - [air horn blares] 892 01:01:21,443 --> 01:01:23,845 - 9,000. - [glass shattering] 893 01:01:23,913 --> 01:01:26,915 [objects rattling] 11,000. 894 01:01:26,982 --> 01:01:30,484 11,500-- 12,000. 13,000. 895 01:01:30,552 --> 01:01:33,521 - 14,000. 15,000. - Guineas! 896 01:01:33,588 --> 01:01:35,990 16,000. 17,000. Let me through. I'm trying to bid! 897 01:01:36,058 --> 01:01:40,028 - 18,000. - 18,500! 898 01:01:41,730 --> 01:01:43,898 It's against you, sir. 899 01:01:43,966 --> 01:01:47,435 - No, I can't compete with these prices. - All right, Herbert. 900 01:01:47,502 --> 01:01:50,471 Mark it sold to the old American twit in the front row. 901 01:01:50,539 --> 01:01:53,474 � [marching band] 902 01:02:06,856 --> 01:02:08,857 [announcer] Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, 903 01:02:08,924 --> 01:02:12,160 And welcome to London for this great and grand historical event-- 904 01:02:12,228 --> 01:02:14,212 The Oxford and Cambridge boat race. 905 01:02:14,279 --> 01:02:17,849 And, as I look at it now, it seems we've got the most perfect weather overhead. 906 01:02:17,916 --> 01:02:20,768 They're wonderful conditions. They really are. And, uh-- 907 01:02:20,836 --> 01:02:22,804 Cambridge eight have just appeared. 908 01:02:22,872 --> 01:02:25,306 And we're waiting now for the much-fancied Oxford crew. 909 01:02:25,508 --> 01:02:28,343 Well, then, now break it up, chaps, will you? Gather around. 910 01:02:28,410 --> 01:02:31,679 I, uh-- I'd like to introduce sir Guy Grand... 911 01:02:31,747 --> 01:02:34,749 And his son, Youngman Grand. [exchanging greetings] 912 01:02:34,816 --> 01:02:37,752 Sir Guy's come down with a very interesting proposition to us. 913 01:02:37,819 --> 01:02:41,222 - Sir Guy. - Lads, we, uh, 914 01:02:41,290 --> 01:02:44,592 Had a little idea concerning the race. 915 01:02:44,659 --> 01:02:46,227 Yes. Yes. Yes. 916 01:02:46,295 --> 01:02:49,330 An endeavor, you might say, to make it somewhat more... 917 01:02:49,398 --> 01:02:52,600 Interesting this year. 918 01:02:52,902 --> 01:02:55,620 [announcer] Cambridge are making their way to the starting position, 919 01:02:55,687 --> 01:02:57,721 But there's still no sign of Oxford. 920 01:02:58,157 --> 01:03:01,926 We're here, in fact, to make you a very interesting offer. 921 01:03:01,994 --> 01:03:04,028 [Youngman] Of money. [all laughing] 922 01:03:04,096 --> 01:03:08,365 - I think they're trying to bribe us. - They are. 923 01:03:08,834 --> 01:03:10,590 Oxford still haven't put in an appearance, 924 01:03:10,591 --> 01:03:12,387 and the crowd's getting just a bit restive. 925 01:03:12,454 --> 01:03:13,888 It's really most extraordinary. 926 01:03:13,889 --> 01:03:16,757 I'm quite sure the umpire's got something to say about this. 927 01:03:16,825 --> 01:03:18,759 Oxford, can you hear me? 928 01:03:18,827 --> 01:03:21,963 You mean you've actually come here to of- fer us money to interfere with the race? 929 01:03:22,031 --> 01:03:25,333 Yes, that's right. [knocking] 930 01:03:25,401 --> 01:03:28,702 I think you ought to leave. You have the wrong men. 931 01:03:28,770 --> 01:03:31,306 [overlapping chatter] 932 01:03:31,373 --> 01:03:33,908 But you must leave immediately. 933 01:03:33,976 --> 01:03:37,745 You should realize, sir, that Oxford men cannot be bought. 934 01:03:37,813 --> 01:03:40,248 Hear! Hear! Mm. 935 01:03:40,316 --> 01:03:45,086 But, you see, we thought that if the sum was large enough, 936 01:03:45,154 --> 01:03:48,389 As large as that. 937 01:03:48,457 --> 01:03:52,593 - Now, get a move on, please! - [announcer] And here's Oxford at last. 938 01:03:52,661 --> 01:03:55,229 Well, I make them about-- about five minutes late. 939 01:03:55,297 --> 01:03:58,099 That's better. 940 01:03:58,167 --> 01:04:01,041 I think it is the first time in the history of the race, 941 01:04:01,042 --> 01:04:02,503 that any crew has been late. 942 01:04:02,571 --> 01:04:05,139 Get ready! 943 01:04:05,207 --> 01:04:07,408 Are you ready? 944 01:04:07,476 --> 01:04:10,778 - Row! - And now they're off. They're off to a good start. 945 01:04:10,846 --> 01:04:12,813 They're late, but nevertheless underway, 946 01:04:12,881 --> 01:04:16,150 And despite a rather fresh head wind, they're moving along rather nicely. 947 01:04:16,218 --> 01:04:19,854 Cambridge have settled down nicely. Moving along tidily, sir John. 948 01:04:19,921 --> 01:04:21,922 Ah, yes. Splendid. Splendid. 949 01:04:21,991 --> 01:04:24,692 The best I've seen since I stroked them in '28. Oh? 950 01:04:24,759 --> 01:04:27,128 Yes. Before your time, of course. Oh, of course. 951 01:04:27,196 --> 01:04:29,130 Yes, of course, yes. [chuckles] 952 01:04:29,198 --> 01:04:32,867 Now, both crews are rowing with al- most perfect style and lots of polish. 953 01:04:32,934 --> 01:04:35,836 But now as I look, Cambridge are putting up the stroke now. 954 01:04:35,904 --> 01:04:38,439 And as they shoot Hammersmith Bridge, I make Cambridge about-- 955 01:04:38,507 --> 01:04:40,508 Oh, I should say-- a good length ahead. 956 01:04:40,575 --> 01:04:43,511 The light blues are putting up the stroke a bit, son. 957 01:04:43,578 --> 01:04:46,681 They're giving it ten. Mm, you might be right, dad. 958 01:04:46,749 --> 01:04:49,117 What do you mean, "You might be right"? They are giving out ten. 959 01:04:49,184 --> 01:04:52,133 Yes. Yes. You and I know they're giving out ten, John. 960 01:04:52,134 --> 01:04:53,688 I was pointing it out to him. 961 01:04:53,756 --> 01:04:55,723 He's new to the game. Oh, I see. 962 01:04:59,594 --> 01:05:01,729 Why, is he entitled to that cap? 963 01:05:01,797 --> 01:05:04,632 I mean to say, why is he wearing it? To keep me head warm. 964 01:05:04,700 --> 01:05:08,069 Oh. [chuckles] "Keep it warm." 965 01:05:08,137 --> 01:05:10,071 Yes. 966 01:05:11,473 --> 01:05:14,008 [announcer] Now, at about half way along the course, 967 01:05:14,076 --> 01:05:15,964 Cambridge are still in the lead, 968 01:05:15,965 --> 01:05:19,680 and we'll just see how Oxford will respond to this challenge. 969 01:05:19,748 --> 01:05:23,155 Now, with these lads, it isn't win or lose or draw that counts. 970 01:05:23,156 --> 01:05:24,752 It's simply playing the game. 971 01:05:24,820 --> 01:05:28,022 That's how it's been for 140 years over this boat race, 972 01:05:28,090 --> 01:05:30,658 And that's how it is today on the Thames here. 973 01:05:30,726 --> 01:05:33,594 And-- 974 01:05:33,662 --> 01:05:36,497 Good, god! What on earth's going on, for heaven's sake? 975 01:05:36,699 --> 01:05:38,533 - [announcer] The bloody swine have cut their rudder line. - Oxford! 976 01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:39,866 You're out of your water! 977 01:05:39,867 --> 01:05:42,853 It looks like a change in tactics for the dark blues. 978 01:05:42,921 --> 01:05:45,873 Hold on, son. Let's not jump to conclusions. 979 01:05:45,941 --> 01:05:49,060 - They're gonna ram 'em amidship! - Good god! 980 01:05:51,430 --> 01:05:54,165 - They've been practicin'. - Yes. What do you make of it, John? 981 01:05:54,232 --> 01:05:56,233 Well, it would've never have happened in my day. - Nor mine. 982 01:05:56,301 --> 01:06:00,004 - Well, it's happenin' in mine! - [Guy] It seems the light blues... 983 01:06:00,072 --> 01:06:03,541 Have lost their all too hastily acquired polish, eh, son? 984 01:06:03,875 --> 01:06:05,759 [announcer] And now the dark blues are turning back. 985 01:06:05,827 --> 01:06:08,463 Good lads. They're going back to lend a hand. 986 01:06:08,530 --> 01:06:10,364 [Youngman] Looks like some kind of a punch up. 987 01:06:10,432 --> 01:06:12,967 - This leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth. [coughs] - Yes, indeed. 988 01:06:13,034 --> 01:06:16,971 Come here, John. Anything that leaves a nasty taste in the mouth disgraces. 989 01:06:17,038 --> 01:06:22,743 [coughing] What? John. Could you just-- for a quick photo together. 990 01:06:22,811 --> 01:06:26,314 Thank you. It's a disgrace. The whole thing is a disgrace. 991 01:06:28,117 --> 01:06:29,767 Bloody students! 992 01:06:29,835 --> 01:06:32,302 What's going on there, umpire? Infringement! 993 01:06:32,371 --> 01:06:34,572 Yes, umpire. What's going on? 994 01:06:34,639 --> 01:06:37,775 What is it? [indistinct shouting] 995 01:06:46,752 --> 01:06:49,052 Hello, this is Michael Aspel, and welcome once again to... 996 01:06:49,120 --> 01:06:51,622 [yelling] Another edition of people are talking about. 997 01:06:51,690 --> 01:06:55,793 Well, these days-- [indistinct chatter] 998 01:06:55,861 --> 01:06:59,363 ...Is this fantastic new dream ship, The Magic Christian. 999 01:06:59,431 --> 01:07:02,299 Now let's meet the man who's going to be at the helm for her maiden voyage, 1000 01:07:02,367 --> 01:07:04,334 Captain Reginald K. Klaus. 1001 01:07:04,403 --> 01:07:06,837 Good afternoon, captain. How do you do? How do you do? 1002 01:07:06,905 --> 01:07:08,906 Sit yourself down. Thank you very much. 1003 01:07:08,973 --> 01:07:12,810 Uh-huh. Now, captain, you're no stranger to a distinguished command, 1004 01:07:12,878 --> 01:07:15,546 But how does it feel to be selected for what must be... 1005 01:07:15,614 --> 01:07:17,981 The most coveted captaincy in the history of seamanship? 1006 01:07:18,049 --> 01:07:21,251 [laughs] Quite an honor, I think I'd say. An honor, yes. 1007 01:07:21,453 --> 01:07:26,174 - [all blowing] - [tv program audio continues] 1008 01:07:26,241 --> 01:07:30,344 She's a marvelous ship, sir. So, how would you sum up? 1009 01:07:30,412 --> 01:07:34,381 After 35 years of service to queen and sea, 1010 01:07:34,449 --> 01:07:38,052 I've never looked forward so eagerly to a new command. 1011 01:07:38,120 --> 01:07:40,922 How's that? Thank you very much, captain Klaus. 1012 01:07:40,989 --> 01:07:43,390 And captain Klaus is not alone in his feelings, 1013 01:07:43,458 --> 01:07:45,793 Because tonight many people are thinking about... 1014 01:07:45,861 --> 01:07:48,029 The maiden voyage of The Magic Christian. 1015 01:07:48,096 --> 01:07:50,031 And, as well, about the lucky people... 1016 01:07:50,098 --> 01:07:52,700 Who are going to be fortunate enough to be passengers. 1017 01:07:52,767 --> 01:07:55,269 Although, of course, the so-called gracious few... 1018 01:07:55,337 --> 01:07:57,338 Will have to dig into their own pockets to the extent... 1019 01:07:57,405 --> 01:07:59,740 Of about �5,000 each. 1020 01:07:59,808 --> 01:08:02,343 But certainly amongst these beautiful, trendy people, 1021 01:08:02,410 --> 01:08:04,478 It would seem the only "in" place to be this easter... 1022 01:08:04,546 --> 01:08:06,480 Is on board The Magic Christian. 1023 01:08:18,577 --> 01:08:22,413 Good evening. This is Alan Whicker at Tower Bridge quay in London, 1024 01:08:22,481 --> 01:08:24,848 From where The Magic Christian, 1025 01:08:24,916 --> 01:08:27,017 The most luxurious ship ever to sail from this port, 1026 01:08:27,085 --> 01:08:33,073 Is about to embark upon her maiden voyage to the new world, to New York. 1027 01:08:33,141 --> 01:08:35,876 And we're here to see the arrival and the departure... 1028 01:08:35,944 --> 01:08:39,747 Of the elite of international society-- 1029 01:08:39,814 --> 01:08:43,284 The men and women who shape the destinies of nations-- 1030 01:08:43,352 --> 01:08:46,587 The passengers of The Magic Christian. 1031 01:08:46,755 --> 01:08:49,573 � [muzak] [chattering] 1032 01:08:55,614 --> 01:08:58,181 [woman on P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen, you're invited... 1033 01:08:58,250 --> 01:09:01,785 To make your way to the marine room on the ocean floor deck... 1034 01:09:01,853 --> 01:09:04,855 Where dinner is now being served... 1035 01:09:04,922 --> 01:09:07,691 And the captain is waiting to welcome you on board. 1036 01:09:07,759 --> 01:09:10,794 � [resumes] 1037 01:09:29,097 --> 01:09:33,767 - Youngman, enjoying yourself? - So far, so good, dad. 1038 01:09:33,835 --> 01:09:36,103 Good. 1039 01:09:38,006 --> 01:09:41,409 Here's our captain on the bridge. Ah. 1040 01:09:43,778 --> 01:09:46,514 [indistinct] Captain Klaus, here. 1041 01:09:46,581 --> 01:09:49,450 Nice to have you aboard. I'll tell you our course. 1042 01:09:49,518 --> 01:09:53,287 Now leaving thames estuary and having cleared land's end, 1043 01:09:53,355 --> 01:09:56,123 We shall fix on about, uh, 1044 01:09:56,191 --> 01:09:58,926 Forty-seven degrees west by norwest. 1045 01:09:58,993 --> 01:10:01,662 We're running through a bit of a chop at the moment, 1046 01:10:01,729 --> 01:10:04,465 But thanks to our multihead gyrostabilizers, 1047 01:10:04,533 --> 01:10:09,770 I think we can look forward to smooth sailing throughout the voyage. 1048 01:10:09,837 --> 01:10:13,274 Now here we have our radar, 1049 01:10:13,341 --> 01:10:16,310 And here our photoplot. 1050 01:10:16,378 --> 01:10:20,147 This is the master compass. And... 1051 01:10:20,215 --> 01:10:24,651 [chuckles] This, of course, is the wheel. 1052 01:10:24,719 --> 01:10:28,122 Comforting. Comforting. [grunts] 1053 01:10:28,190 --> 01:10:31,125 [Klaus] But I prefer to handle the ship myself. 1054 01:10:31,193 --> 01:10:33,127 It may be an old-fashioned notion, 1055 01:10:33,195 --> 01:10:37,864 But I still like to regard my ship as a woman. 1056 01:10:40,102 --> 01:10:43,804 [groans] Bloody fool! Shh, shh. 1057 01:10:43,871 --> 01:10:47,808 Nice to have you aboard. [chuckles] 1058 01:10:47,875 --> 01:10:49,910 � [resumes] 1059 01:10:54,916 --> 01:10:57,351 Good evening. Guy grand. 1060 01:10:57,419 --> 01:11:00,321 Chupcho. Major chupcho. En garde. 1061 01:11:00,388 --> 01:11:02,323 Oh, how do you do. [chuckles] 1062 01:11:02,390 --> 01:11:05,792 I must say, I see few, if indeed any, 1063 01:11:05,860 --> 01:11:10,131 Persons of color among the ship's cavalry. 1064 01:11:10,198 --> 01:11:13,367 Huh, some blacks? Blacks aboard the christian? 1065 01:11:13,435 --> 01:11:16,069 Not bloody likely. 1066 01:11:16,138 --> 01:11:21,008 What is it, dear? The fellow's going on about jungle bunnies, my dear. 1067 01:11:26,581 --> 01:11:28,882 [chuckling] 1068 01:11:28,950 --> 01:11:34,021 [mixed chorus] � black and white 1069 01:11:34,088 --> 01:11:37,324 � black and white 1070 01:11:37,392 --> 01:11:41,862 � everyone everywhere's 1071 01:11:41,929 --> 01:11:45,633 � getting uptight 1072 01:11:45,700 --> 01:11:49,970 � but gray skies turn to blue � 1073 01:11:50,038 --> 01:11:53,106 � when I dance with you 1074 01:11:53,175 --> 01:11:56,843 � mr. Universe 1075 01:11:58,180 --> 01:12:02,183 � mr. Universe 1076 01:12:02,250 --> 01:12:06,187 - � wrong and right - psst, psst. 1077 01:12:06,254 --> 01:12:09,256 [whistles] � wrong and right 1078 01:12:11,159 --> 01:12:14,461 � let us just hold up 1079 01:12:14,529 --> 01:12:17,598 � the future is bright 1080 01:12:17,666 --> 01:12:22,369 - � but a far far better moon � - � [whistling along] 1081 01:12:22,437 --> 01:12:25,105 � you bring into view 1082 01:12:26,174 --> 01:12:29,910 � mr. Universe 1083 01:12:29,977 --> 01:12:32,613 � mr. Universe 1084 01:12:32,681 --> 01:12:35,282 � dancing with 1085 01:12:35,350 --> 01:12:40,987 � you 1086 01:12:41,055 --> 01:12:45,626 "'Oh, Badger!' cried the rat. 'Let us in, please. 1087 01:12:45,694 --> 01:12:48,462 "'It's me, Ratty, and my friend, Mole, 1088 01:12:48,530 --> 01:12:52,165 - And we've lost our way in the snow.'" - oh. 1089 01:12:54,736 --> 01:12:57,321 There's a picture of them losing their way in the snow. 1090 01:12:57,388 --> 01:12:59,957 It looks very deep. 1091 01:13:00,024 --> 01:13:03,327 "'What, Ratty, my dear little man?' exclaimed the badger... 1092 01:13:03,394 --> 01:13:05,329 In quite a different voice." 1093 01:13:15,173 --> 01:13:17,674 Take us to cuba! 1094 01:13:17,742 --> 01:13:19,793 Good heaven. [gunshot from tv] 1095 01:13:21,079 --> 01:13:23,680 Cynthia. Cynthia! Oh! 1096 01:13:23,748 --> 01:13:25,682 Oh, she's always asleep. 1097 01:13:25,750 --> 01:13:28,852 [Guy] "Carried a flat candlestick in his paw." 1098 01:13:28,920 --> 01:13:32,022 Get up! Come on! Get up, everybody! Get up! 1099 01:13:32,090 --> 01:13:34,557 Sounds like trouble in the passageway. 1100 01:13:34,625 --> 01:13:37,160 They may have automatic weapons! 1101 01:13:37,228 --> 01:13:39,462 I'll just take a shuftie. 1102 01:13:52,627 --> 01:13:54,961 Good heavens. What's all this about, eh? 1103 01:13:55,029 --> 01:13:57,698 Well, there's a general impression, captain, 1104 01:13:57,766 --> 01:14:00,401 That there's been trouble on the bridge, eh, lads? 1105 01:14:00,468 --> 01:14:03,136 - Looks like trouble on the bridge. - Trouble on my bridge? 1106 01:14:03,204 --> 01:14:06,473 [captain laughs] That'll be the proverbial snowstorm in August... 1107 01:14:06,541 --> 01:14:08,575 [bell chiming] When there's trouble on the bridge of the christian. 1108 01:14:08,643 --> 01:14:12,012 Ah. That must be three bells. I, for one, must get back to the wheel. 1109 01:14:12,079 --> 01:14:15,349 Now, I suggest you all have a talk with the sitz grog and get back to bed. 1110 01:14:15,417 --> 01:14:18,852 See you in the morning. Nice to have you aboard. 1111 01:14:18,920 --> 01:14:22,456 � [scatting] 1112 01:14:28,096 --> 01:14:31,298 Sir! Sir. Sir. 1113 01:14:31,365 --> 01:14:35,669 Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the ship's physician, Laurence Faggot. 1114 01:14:35,737 --> 01:14:38,806 Oh, doctor, what in the name of god's going on here? 1115 01:14:38,873 --> 01:14:42,176 Now, now, sir herb. What's all this? 1116 01:14:42,243 --> 01:14:45,179 Fair-weather sailor, cross and irritable, 1117 01:14:45,246 --> 01:14:48,648 The moment things don't exactly suit you. Suit me! 1118 01:14:48,717 --> 01:14:51,618 There are odd things going on that need an explanation! 1119 01:14:51,686 --> 01:14:54,621 Explanation? Why don't we have a little t�te-�-t�te. 1120 01:14:54,689 --> 01:14:57,691 Perhaps, you could tell me about your childhood, your early childhood. 1121 01:14:57,759 --> 01:15:01,061 I don't need any of that psychological claptrap! 1122 01:15:01,129 --> 01:15:04,297 If you could please just give me some tranquilizers. 1123 01:15:04,365 --> 01:15:08,568 Escape into drugs? Mask your fears in an artificial fog? 1124 01:15:08,636 --> 01:15:11,438 Oh, surely, you can't be serious. Oh, well, 1125 01:15:11,505 --> 01:15:13,707 Give me some decent English aspirin. 1126 01:15:13,775 --> 01:15:16,210 Here, sir herb, try this. It's just what the doctor ordered. 1127 01:15:16,277 --> 01:15:19,479 Oh, what is it. It's cannabis, a herb. 1128 01:15:21,515 --> 01:15:25,819 [holding breath] It'll tighten your wig. Tighten my wig? 1129 01:15:25,887 --> 01:15:29,656 Why, it's damnable wog hemp! 1130 01:15:29,724 --> 01:15:34,294 Who do you think you're kidding? I saw you try to ditch that stuff. 1131 01:15:34,362 --> 01:15:38,331 Okay, buddy. This is a bust. Let's move. 1132 01:15:38,399 --> 01:15:42,285 B-but I was in bed reading! Oh, cynthia! 1133 01:15:42,353 --> 01:15:45,588 This damnable wog hemp is burning a hole in the ship's carpet, son. 1134 01:15:45,656 --> 01:15:48,191 We don't want that, do we, dad? No, we don't. 1135 01:15:48,259 --> 01:15:51,261 Let's really go and listen to the story. Good idea. 1136 01:15:51,329 --> 01:15:54,697 � [muzak] 1137 01:15:54,765 --> 01:15:58,668 This way, ladies and gentlemen. This is, of course, the pool room. 1138 01:15:58,736 --> 01:16:01,971 [chuckles] Quite a nasty squall on today, 1139 01:16:02,040 --> 01:16:04,908 Freezing fog at about two-feet visibility. 1140 01:16:04,975 --> 01:16:07,310 But you wouldn't think so here on the promenade deck, would you? 1141 01:16:07,378 --> 01:16:10,947 Just feel that sunshine and its life-giving rays. Hmm, lovely. 1142 01:16:11,015 --> 01:16:12,949 Good morning! Morning. 1143 01:16:13,017 --> 01:16:15,419 Morning. 1144 01:16:15,486 --> 01:16:19,556 [guide] Now then, let's step into the sea spray bar for an aperitif. 1145 01:16:21,459 --> 01:16:26,163 [man on P.A.] Testing, hot damn vietnam. Testing, hot damn vietnam. 1146 01:16:26,230 --> 01:16:29,366 One, two, buckle my shoe. Hear this. Attention, please. 1147 01:16:29,434 --> 01:16:32,669 We're happy to announce today's feature film presentation... 1148 01:16:32,736 --> 01:16:36,273 Will be men in white, the gripping story of love and sacrifice, 1149 01:16:36,340 --> 01:16:39,476 Commencing in five minutes in the "B" deck theater. Men in white? 1150 01:16:39,544 --> 01:16:44,081 Men in white? One of the great classics of the silver screen, am I right, son? 1151 01:16:44,148 --> 01:16:47,050 Right again, dad. You're quite uncanny. Come on. Let's go. 1152 01:16:48,419 --> 01:16:51,654 [deep breathing] 1153 01:16:56,761 --> 01:17:00,080 [man, southern accent] well, there it is, nurse. 1154 01:17:00,148 --> 01:17:04,400 Why, you're lookin' at the all- american answer to the color problem, 1155 01:17:04,468 --> 01:17:09,122 The first multiracial head transplant in history. 1156 01:17:11,158 --> 01:17:13,326 Aw, shoot! 1157 01:17:13,394 --> 01:17:18,331 Oh, never mind. There's plenty more where that boy come from. 1158 01:17:18,399 --> 01:17:21,134 [knocking] Yes? 1159 01:17:23,771 --> 01:17:26,540 Your tea, milady. Just put it down on the table. 1160 01:17:26,608 --> 01:17:28,642 Yes, milady. 1161 01:17:34,281 --> 01:17:36,917 Thank you. That will be all. 1162 01:17:37,952 --> 01:17:41,187 Not... Quite, milady. 1163 01:17:41,255 --> 01:17:43,891 [screaming] 1164 01:17:43,958 --> 01:17:46,860 [screaming continues] 1165 01:17:46,928 --> 01:17:48,729 No more bets now. 1166 01:17:50,131 --> 01:17:53,400 - No more bets. Thank you. - [roulette ball rattles] 1167 01:17:53,467 --> 01:17:55,536 Twenty-four, black. [laughs] 1168 01:17:56,638 --> 01:18:00,106 Sir, he pocketed my plaque. He what? 1169 01:18:00,174 --> 01:18:02,843 That swine, rivello, he removed my wager. I didn't see that. 1170 01:18:02,911 --> 01:18:05,913 He put it in his pocket. He pocketed my plaque! All right, sir. 1171 01:18:05,980 --> 01:18:09,282 I highly recommend this beaujolais. [chuckles] 1172 01:18:09,350 --> 01:18:11,351 Oh, I mustn't have too much, must I? 1173 01:18:11,419 --> 01:18:13,554 Well, perhaps, just a little bit more. [laughs] 1174 01:18:13,621 --> 01:18:16,006 � [piano, soft] 1175 01:18:22,346 --> 01:18:25,315 Would you like to buy a girl a drink, big boy? 1176 01:18:33,090 --> 01:18:35,425 Thanks. 1177 01:18:39,463 --> 01:18:42,566 Here's looking at you, mister. 1178 01:18:43,902 --> 01:18:46,770 � [tango] 1179 01:18:54,045 --> 01:18:58,715 Oh, isn't this fun, Guy? Divine. Divine. 1180 01:19:04,722 --> 01:19:07,323 [cackling laugh] 1181 01:19:09,944 --> 01:19:11,845 Oh, look, Guy! 1182 01:19:11,913 --> 01:19:15,816 How gravely they dance. 1183 01:19:15,883 --> 01:19:18,318 � [piano] 1184 01:19:18,385 --> 01:19:22,522 � mad about the boy 1185 01:19:22,590 --> 01:19:24,658 � I know it's stupid 1186 01:19:24,725 --> 01:19:28,728 � to be mad about the boy � 1187 01:19:28,796 --> 01:19:30,931 � I'm so 1188 01:19:30,998 --> 01:19:33,667 � ashamed of it but must admit � 1189 01:19:33,734 --> 01:19:37,303 � the sleepless nights 1190 01:19:37,371 --> 01:19:40,707 � I'm mad about the boy 1191 01:19:43,744 --> 01:19:47,013 � [strings] � on the silver screen 1192 01:19:47,081 --> 01:19:49,483 � he melts my foolish heart 1193 01:19:49,550 --> 01:19:52,218 � in every single scene 1194 01:19:53,621 --> 01:19:58,057 � although, I'm quite aware that here and there � 1195 01:19:58,125 --> 01:20:01,495 � are traces of 1196 01:20:01,562 --> 01:20:04,230 � the cad about the boy 1197 01:20:06,433 --> 01:20:11,571 � lord knows I'm not a fool girl � 1198 01:20:11,639 --> 01:20:14,975 � I really shouldn't care 1199 01:20:16,443 --> 01:20:20,079 � lord knows I'm not a schoolgirl � 1200 01:20:21,081 --> 01:20:25,735 � in the flurry of her first 1201 01:20:25,803 --> 01:20:28,205 � affair 1202 01:20:30,041 --> 01:20:32,242 � if I could employ 1203 01:20:32,310 --> 01:20:35,712 � a little magic 1204 01:20:35,779 --> 01:20:39,282 � that would finally destroy � 1205 01:20:39,350 --> 01:20:43,887 � this dream that pains me and enchains me � 1206 01:20:43,955 --> 01:20:47,390 � but I can't because 1207 01:20:47,458 --> 01:20:51,061 � I'm mad about the boy 1208 01:20:52,063 --> 01:20:55,598 � mad about the boy 1209 01:20:55,666 --> 01:20:57,968 � mad about 1210 01:20:58,035 --> 01:21:02,038 � the boy 1211 01:21:04,141 --> 01:21:07,510 Oh, no. Oh, yes. 1212 01:21:07,578 --> 01:21:11,214 [man on P.A.] Now hear this. Now hear this. 1213 01:21:11,282 --> 01:21:15,886 [macabre laughter] 1214 01:21:21,558 --> 01:21:25,262 - [panicked screams] - [man on P.A.] Please put on your life jackets. 1215 01:21:25,329 --> 01:21:28,865 Quietly, go to your cabins and wait there. 1216 01:21:28,933 --> 01:21:32,035 - [screaming continues] - [squealing] 1217 01:21:32,103 --> 01:21:34,604 Maybe the ship's going down with all hands down. 1218 01:21:34,671 --> 01:21:38,608 [man on P.A.] Passengers are respectfully reminded... 1219 01:21:38,675 --> 01:21:41,344 That cabin carts are not-- 1220 01:21:41,412 --> 01:21:45,215 Repeat-- not allowed to accept gratuities. 1221 01:21:45,283 --> 01:21:47,250 Thank you. 1222 01:21:49,120 --> 01:21:54,791 There is no cause for alarm. There is no cause for-- 1223 01:21:54,858 --> 01:21:56,859 You know, it's probably a lifeboat drill. 1224 01:21:58,562 --> 01:22:01,514 Better safe than sorry, one. 1225 01:22:01,582 --> 01:22:03,750 [man over P.A.] Make your way to "B" deck immediately. I repeat-- 1226 01:22:03,818 --> 01:22:06,987 Make your way to "C" deck immediately. 1227 01:22:07,055 --> 01:22:09,823 [laughing] 1228 01:22:11,542 --> 01:22:15,145 Youngman, what is going on? Ship's concert, I shouldn't wonder. 1229 01:22:15,212 --> 01:22:18,214 [man over P.A.] The Magic Christian has proven to be... 1230 01:22:18,282 --> 01:22:20,750 Unseaworthy. 1231 01:22:20,952 --> 01:22:25,755 I repeat-- The Magic Christian has proven to--- [bubbling sound] 1232 01:22:25,823 --> 01:22:28,090 [muffled cries] 1233 01:22:28,158 --> 01:22:30,092 Looks like trouble on the bridge. 1234 01:22:30,160 --> 01:22:33,029 [man over P.A.] What's going on? What is going on? 1235 01:22:33,096 --> 01:22:35,498 What's happening? What's happening? 1236 01:22:36,584 --> 01:22:39,069 No, but seriously, folks. 1237 01:22:40,654 --> 01:22:43,056 Sir, I say, how do we get out of here? 1238 01:22:43,124 --> 01:22:46,760 Through the engine room, if memory serves. Thank you so much. 1239 01:22:46,828 --> 01:22:50,046 In, out. [groaning] 1240 01:22:50,381 --> 01:22:52,799 In, out! [groaning continues] 1241 01:22:52,866 --> 01:22:57,471 In, out. In-- 1242 01:22:57,538 --> 01:23:01,374 During my reign as priestess of the whip, 1243 01:23:01,442 --> 01:23:04,544 I've never seen such unmitigated sloth. 1244 01:23:04,612 --> 01:23:09,082 - My god! What's going on here? - J'accuse! 1245 01:23:09,150 --> 01:23:12,719 How dare this intrusion? Who are these people? 1246 01:23:12,786 --> 01:23:15,989 - Oh, these are me mates. - Out! Out! 1247 01:23:16,056 --> 01:23:18,558 [groans] Oh, I say! 1248 01:23:18,626 --> 01:23:21,261 Do that again. Out! 1249 01:23:21,329 --> 01:23:24,331 Out! Out of my galley! 1250 01:23:26,134 --> 01:23:29,503 [roaring] 1251 01:23:34,742 --> 01:23:37,443 [laughs] Everything's shipshape. [indistinct] 1252 01:23:37,511 --> 01:23:39,445 [growling] 1253 01:23:58,516 --> 01:24:00,683 Abandon ship! 1254 01:24:00,751 --> 01:24:04,854 What channel's that thing? I really can't imagine. 1255 01:24:04,922 --> 01:24:07,557 All this violence. Oh, really, Guy. 1256 01:24:07,624 --> 01:24:09,559 Eh? Huh? 1257 01:24:09,626 --> 01:24:13,129 One of the classics of yesteryear, is it? 1258 01:24:13,197 --> 01:24:16,899 You can say what you like, Agnes, but when it comes to family entertainment, 1259 01:24:16,967 --> 01:24:19,936 The old Hollywood moguls can still show us a thing or two. 1260 01:24:20,003 --> 01:24:24,941 [man over P.A.] This is the new captain speaking. Now hear this. 1261 01:24:25,008 --> 01:24:29,378 Here, get a dolly! Thank god, we've arrived! It's new york! 1262 01:24:42,793 --> 01:24:45,312 Well, look! Look, it's tower bridge! 1263 01:24:45,379 --> 01:24:47,314 It's bloody tower bridge! 1264 01:24:47,381 --> 01:24:49,916 Christ! We haven't gone anywhere! 1265 01:24:50,351 --> 01:24:54,737 We spent the last 48 hours in the goddamn warehouse! 1266 01:25:10,238 --> 01:25:14,724 [Guy on bullhorn] now getting it ready for you. 1267 01:25:14,791 --> 01:25:19,429 Now getting it ready for you! 1268 01:25:19,497 --> 01:25:24,100 Not yet ready for you! Won't be long though! 1269 01:25:25,669 --> 01:25:28,271 Now getting it ready. 1270 01:25:28,339 --> 01:25:31,907 Come back later. Nearly ready. 1271 01:25:31,975 --> 01:25:34,710 Almost ready for you. 1272 01:25:34,778 --> 01:25:36,829 Any time now. 1273 01:25:36,897 --> 01:25:41,101 Not long now for free money. 1274 01:25:41,168 --> 01:25:45,037 - [Guy] Free money. - Don't rush the stairway. 1275 01:25:45,106 --> 01:25:49,409 [Guy] Here, very soon. And it's free! 1276 01:25:49,477 --> 01:25:52,312 Remember that! Free money! 1277 01:25:52,379 --> 01:25:54,914 Costs you nothing! 1278 01:25:56,417 --> 01:26:00,186 Arriving now! Arriving now! 1279 01:26:02,356 --> 01:26:05,791 Sir Guy Grant? Grand. Yes. Yes. 1280 01:26:05,859 --> 01:26:08,661 This your order then? Let's have a look. 1281 01:26:08,729 --> 01:26:12,832 Is this right, son? Uh, 100 gallons of blood. 1282 01:26:12,899 --> 01:26:15,201 Two hundred gallons of urine. 1283 01:26:15,269 --> 01:26:17,670 Five hundred cubic feet of animal manure. Yeah. 1284 01:26:17,738 --> 01:26:19,739 Where do you want it put? 1285 01:26:19,806 --> 01:26:22,342 Put it in the vat. Put it in that, fred. 1286 01:26:25,646 --> 01:26:30,116 � call out the instigators 1287 01:26:30,184 --> 01:26:34,621 � because there's something in the air � 1288 01:26:34,688 --> 01:26:38,124 � we've got to get together 1289 01:26:38,192 --> 01:26:41,294 � sooner or later 1290 01:26:41,362 --> 01:26:45,598 � because the revolution's here � 1291 01:26:45,666 --> 01:26:48,834 � and you know it's right [coughing] 1292 01:26:53,440 --> 01:26:56,942 � and you know that it's right � 1293 01:26:59,413 --> 01:27:03,115 � we have got to get it together � 1294 01:27:04,785 --> 01:27:07,987 � we have got to get it together � 1295 01:27:08,055 --> 01:27:10,590 � now 1296 01:27:29,743 --> 01:27:34,146 � close up the streets and houses � 1297 01:27:34,215 --> 01:27:39,352 � because there's something in the air � 1298 01:27:39,420 --> 01:27:44,990 � we've got to get together sooner or later � 1299 01:27:45,058 --> 01:27:49,128 � because the revolution's here � 1300 01:27:49,196 --> 01:27:52,198 � and you know it's right 1301 01:27:56,604 --> 01:28:00,440 � and you know that it's right � 1302 01:28:02,976 --> 01:28:07,247 � we have got to get it together � 1303 01:28:08,549 --> 01:28:12,585 � we have got to get it together � 1304 01:28:12,653 --> 01:28:14,854 � now 1305 01:28:39,363 --> 01:28:42,949 What do you think of it, dad? 1306 01:28:43,017 --> 01:28:47,120 Very good, indeed. A bit literal, I suppose, if one goes into it. 1307 01:28:47,187 --> 01:28:49,455 And they're certainly going to. 1308 01:29:21,789 --> 01:29:26,025 � hand out the arms and ammo � 1309 01:29:26,092 --> 01:29:30,663 � we're gonna blast our way through here � 1310 01:29:30,731 --> 01:29:35,134 � we got to get together sooner or later � 1311 01:29:35,202 --> 01:29:37,303 You're quite right, Youngman. 1312 01:29:38,405 --> 01:29:40,506 There must be a simpler way. 1313 01:29:40,574 --> 01:29:43,843 This is it. Well, let's give it a try. 1314 01:29:47,948 --> 01:29:49,882 Hear! Hear! Hear! What's going on? 1315 01:29:49,950 --> 01:29:52,418 Oi! Come on! Come on here! You can't do that, you can't. 1316 01:29:52,486 --> 01:29:54,920 It's against park regulations! 1317 01:30:03,197 --> 01:30:05,465 Sod the regulations. You can keep here any night you like. 1318 01:30:05,532 --> 01:30:07,467 Good night, gents. 1319 01:30:07,534 --> 01:30:09,469 � if you want it 1320 01:30:09,536 --> 01:30:12,138 � here it is come and get it � 1321 01:30:13,874 --> 01:30:17,643 � make your mind up fast 1322 01:30:17,711 --> 01:30:22,348 � if you want it anytime I can give it � 1323 01:30:22,416 --> 01:30:28,287 � but you better hurry 'cause it may not last � 1324 01:30:28,355 --> 01:30:33,526 � did I hear you say that there must be a catch � 1325 01:30:33,593 --> 01:30:38,864 � will you walk away from a fool and his money � 1326 01:30:40,600 --> 01:30:42,368 � if you want it 1327 01:30:42,436 --> 01:30:45,238 � here it is come and get it � 1328 01:30:45,305 --> 01:30:50,043 � but you better hurry 'cause it's going fast � 1329 01:30:53,580 --> 01:30:55,264 � if you want it 1330 01:30:55,332 --> 01:30:58,301 � here it is come and get it � 1331 01:30:59,503 --> 01:31:03,606 � make your mind up fast 1332 01:31:03,674 --> 01:31:07,977 � if you want it anytime I can give it � 1333 01:31:08,045 --> 01:31:13,683 � but you better hurry 'cause it may not last � 1334 01:31:13,750 --> 01:31:18,921 � did I hear you say that there must be a catch � 1335 01:31:18,989 --> 01:31:24,394 � will you walk away from a fool and his money � 1336 01:31:24,461 --> 01:31:27,830 � sonny, if you want it 1337 01:31:27,898 --> 01:31:31,267 � here it is come and get it � 1338 01:31:31,335 --> 01:31:36,172 � but you better hurry 'cause it's going fast � 1339 01:31:36,240 --> 01:31:41,177 � you better hurry 'cause it's going fast � 1340 01:31:41,245 --> 01:31:44,514 � you better hurry 'cause it's going � 1341 01:31:44,582 --> 01:31:50,152 � fast